Living on the Edge

I don't live my life on the edge.  Not even 2 steps from the edge.  I'm a "safety first" kind of girl.  I don't accessorize with goggles and hard hat but I do keep my heart away from people.  I don't make eye contact in case someone actually wants to look me in the eye.  I make sure I have exit routes from conversations and I don't invest in the pricey hair cuts, jeans or shoes that may make me look approachable.

I tuck my head down and do as little as possible investing in relationships. Not for lack of trying to have a relationship because it would be nice to have one in the next 50 or so years.  Even if it's a mail order husband from Cuba. Though they tend to be small and I like my men big and burly.

All these precautions are so I don't get hurt.  I have never really put myself out there so I could meet people (friend or otherwise) and so it's my own fault.

Drinking got me boyfriends, missing clothing, hangovers, unpaid bills and a husband.  Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into.  I can be very convincing. But drinking never gave me confidence the next morning or the day after that.  And any confidence I did have was quickly drained away when my bipolar stinkin' thinkin' started telling me I was a piece of shit; ugly, fat and stupid.

As I've gotten older, I've definitely been able to call bullshit on my inner voices. I know that I'm not that bad. I have some redeeming qualities but not enough to get me out of my head.

So danger....I want to live dangerously. I'd really like to be one of those people that will get a wild hair and find myself diving off a bridge but anyone who knows me knows that I just could not relinquish that much control to something like that.  To chance...

But I think, if I'm going to find happiness I'm going to have to take that chance.  I guess I thought that moving 60+ miles West, I was going to just fall into something different and life changing. And it has been life changing but not enough to find a partner. I've changed careers, friends and hairstyles and I still can't get a date. I fear my role in life is to be the mother figure and asexual. 

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope that I find the strength to be present in my life and stop thinking about all the things that I think are missing. Stop putting up barriers in my life that just keep me from experiencing the truth of the my life.  I'd like to be able to trust and love first and not automatically assume that everyone is out to get me.  I'd like to be fearless in the face of uncertainty.

I hope to find the courage to continue to try new things, to be open to others and I hope that I never lose that conscious contact with my higher power.  I hope that I am willing to continue to learn and grow from my program but also to learn and grow with those in my life that mean everything to me.

I hope that I come to understand what it means to truly love something.  To put all my faith and love into something without fear of rejection.  To know that I had given my all and that it's just good enough...not perfect but good enough.

I guess it boils down to I hope that I continue to be willing to do things differently because, on my own....I'm not capable of giving myself a life that I really do deserve and one that is worth hoping that it'll continue.