Being Sober

Being sober definitely has its advantages.  I find myself in situations that would have baffled me before (I love the word baffled and it is in some of the literature of a 12 step program I got sober in).  I now have enough knowledge that tells me what my actions should be. I have a moral compass that, although not 100% functional, it still gets me where I need to be.

When I first got sober, I had no idea what to do in situations.  I would just muscle through some of them. Since I only paid attention about 1/2 the time the first few months, I would still so the things I used to do when drinking.  But more often then not, as I stayed sober longer, I found the right way to handle things.

And I find myself less interested in my sobriety and all the things I have to do.  But I have dozens of reasons to not drink.  A couple are:

1. I have more money each weekend (although I think I've switched from buying alcohol to just buying tons of other things).
2. I don't forget my debit card and drivers licenses at places and have to retrace my steps to figure out where I left it.
3. I wake up in my bed and usually in the clothes I went to bed in.
4. The corners of my mouth are not ripped because I was puking the night before because I had a theory that I wouldn't have a hangover the next day if I would puke the night before.
5. I can walk into a restaurant and not have to calculate how many drinks I could have before and after eating.
6. I end up where I plan to arrive at the end of the night.
7. If I need help, people are going to answer the phone and quite likely help me.
8. People trust me and actually want to see me.
9. While driving, I am not a danger to people because of being drunk. 
10. I have boundaries for myself and others.
11. I say what I'll do and I do what I say.
12. I have a support system that is only because I have shown up and given back.

But, for me, alcohol was but a symptom.  I drank off and on from 19 to 22.  22 - 25 I drank heavily and with some repercussions.  As I was going through the divorce, I didn't stop drinking for 6 months.  This is when I went through my worst drinking.  But what made me an alcoholic were my character defects. Drinking was just my way of covering it up.  It could have been anything...overeating, narcotics, spending too much.  I do things to make me feel better; take away the pain or confusion.  Buying something makes me feel pretty or happy; just for that small amount of time. It never lasts...just like alcohol.

Working with a 12 step program right as I got sober was the only way I would have gotten sober.  I would have had no chance if I tried to quit on my own.  I know, right now, that if I were to drink, it wouldn't just be one.  Not even if I tried to keep it to just one.  I can't control my drinking. And the urge to drink left me early in recovery but I still struggled with why I was doing that.  That is where the program and all those in it, helped.  How could I point out my flaws? I was blinded to that.  It took others to show me.  And I realized that I was harming others in my life when I thought I was doing them a favor by drinking alone and ostracizing myself from them.

I have no desire to drink and I don't think I will never drink again.  Mainly because I can think of no situation that I may be in the rest of my life that drinking would improve it.  I have no urge or desire to drink.  My Dad stopped drinking, cold turkey, in 1988 and has never drank since.  He's never used a program.  He just has that kind of control over his drinking and I think I'll have the same.  But I can't just expect that to be the case.  I have to be diligent about my desire to never drink again.

Being sober means I have to change the way I do things. I can't lie, cheat, steal.  I can't manipulate things so they go the way I want them to go and to lash out at people because they didn't do what I wanted them to do.  I still do those things but it's fewer and far between.  Sometimes I catch myself doing them and I have to go make amends for what I did.  If I find that I have wronged someone, because I want to stay sober, I go make amends. I swallow my pride and do what is right.

Being sober now means I have to live by principles and that means not resting on my laurels.  Which is easy to do.  I am really good about doing things half assed.  I can even half ass half-assed.  I excel.  But to stay sober AND healthy means I have to do all the work.  And I find myself not doing the work lately. I feel a little burned out.  I know what to do...I'm getting there.

I found God because of being sober. I lived an empty and pointless life before I got sober.  I was lonely and felt worthless.  I now have purpose and a sense of worth.

And being sober has given me a life I never imagined having.  I have friends (both in and out of the program). I have a job that I actually do like although I say I don't. My family loves me and supports me.  If I call them, they don't screen it because I'll be a rambling drunk fool.  I have an empty slate each day and I can make my story.  

I'm so grateful for all of those things.  I just have to remind myself sometimes.

Money Management

Do you know how many of my problems would be solved by having money? Pretty much all of them, that's how many.

I'm pretty sure I'll never have enough money that would allow me to just go to Target and shop and not bother looking at the total.  I used to do that and is probably (maybe) be the reason I'm not as financially secure as I'd like.

I've given into the power that money has over me.  It has a strong hold on my life.  So I'm trying to do something different.  I've given control to another person.  They are managing my money for me.  Now, I have total control of my money but I have to run things through this person so that I have permission to spend the money.  This is an interesting situation to be in because I 1) know that I need someone to do this for me because I just do not have the ability to stop, even when I know I do not have the money and 2)It takes a lot of control away from me and I'm a huge control freak.  So I find myself trying to slip things in with the thought that I wouldn't need to bother this person for $4 at QuikTrip.  When, in reality, I still have to sit with that person each week and they'll see what I've spent.  It's starting to work though.

I'm not sure how this happened; the dire straits with money.  I make really good money and on paper I've got a lot of disposable income.  I should be able to go to Target and drop $20 or $30 without sweating. It would be nice to be able to go out to dinner any random night.  I could actually go out with my friends when they ask.

Instead, I'm taking cash out for specific items (cash and groceries) and then not using my debit card for anything else that isn't budgeted for.  The reasoning behind this is that any "extra" money I have at the end of 2 weeks goes into savings.  And my goal is to have 4 - 6 months of income in the savings account so I have an emergency fund.

But this is REALLY difficult for me.  I honestly don't think I would go a day without spending some amount of money.  I really can not think of one time in the last several months.  So now, it's kind of a test to see how long I can go.  I've gone 3 days so far...that means no debit card and no cash.  That's a huge accomplishment for me.  I was struggling from the constant need to be careful that I "lapsed" and bought something just to smell the receipt that they gave me.  Kind of a rush to spend that $1.48 for a soda.

I think there is a 12 step program for these types of issues.  I might have to start looking to add more meetings to my week nights.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this everyday...sorry guys. Just got busy yesterday.

Unrealistically, I hope I never lose a loved one, that I'll never lose a job or a limb.  But I guess my real hope is that I hope I never lose my desire to live my life.  For so many years, I had zero desire to love, laugh or live.  I just was in so much pain being me that I truly hoped to die...anytime.  If I had an guts it would have been long ago.

But now I hope that I never go back to the way I used to be before I came in the program. That I have to think about all the ways to kill myself.  How I was hoping that it would just happen randomly. I never thought about what it would do to others, I just wanted to stop feeling pain.  To stop being so sad.

I hope I never have to lose my sense of self and what an amazing thing it is to be able to just breathe.  If that is my only job in life (to breathe) then I'm going to do my absolute best to continue to do what my higher power wants from me.

I just have to listen to him and wait for instructions.  I hope I'm listening...

Drinking and Living

I used to coexist in my life.  I had one life at work where people didn't ask me how I was or what I did that weekend.  This is because I never asked anyone else.  I really didn't care.  I came to work to do my job so I can get paid.  This is a very simple equation...but people like to make it difficult.  They throw in their personalities, their kids, their houses, the in-laws, etc... All things I could have gived a shit about.  That was kind of my motto about anything I didn't want to know or have to deal with..."I could give a shit".

Now, this does not make me popular at work.  And I used to not care about that.  But when I went through the divorce and changed my name...people asked me if I was getting married.  Most people had no idea I had been married.  People had no idea that I had dogs that were my "children".  Some didn't even know that I was actually born, not forged in hell's fiery bowels.

I was definitely known as a bitch at work.  No small talk, let's get this shit done so I can go back to my office and get other shit done.

My other life was not any better.  I was married but barely.  We never talked.  He would be gone during the week and then, when he got home, I wanted to spend every waking moment with him and to go out and do things.  Well, my ex is a homebody...to the nth degree...his philosophy was that if the restaurant didn't have drive through, he didn't need to eat it.  Can you see how frustrating that can be?  And then add on top of that the crashing down of the life I had because of our incapability.  I'll call it that for lack of the will to tell the whole story.  Suffice to say, we were on a fast track to a divorce that I never saw coming.  I should have because there were signs EVERYWHERE.  Biggest one that should have shocked the sense into me was when he told me in October of 2006 that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore.  THAT should have been a clue.  But in my head I just put it away, didn't want to think about it.

So I started to have a couple of drinks during the week.  He was gone most weeks so I could have a bottle or two of wine.  Around this time I decided that I wanted to become an expert in wine.  Really, I just wanted to drink.  I took wine tasting classes.  Whoever came up with that was a GENIUS!!!  We would try about 5 different wines and do a little noshing.  Although I was disappointed that they weren't full glasses of wine.  Just like 3 ounces.  And you weren't supposed to chug them...sip and swish around in your mouth.  Some even spit it out.  WTF?  I wasn't going to waste perfectly good wine. I may not have liked it but I for sure was going to drink it.  That's alcohol abuse in my book.

And then...dom dom dom....my marriage ended.  Calmly and amiable.  Although I was dying inside. I had never, ever, ever, ever felt so much pain.  And I've experienced pain.  This was crushing.  I don't know how I survived those first couple of months.  But I drank.  I pretty much drank every day for the next 6 months.  There was a week in there were I had checked myself into Shawnee Mission Psych ward because I was just done.  I was tired...and it wasn't because I hadn't slept, although that was another issue.  I was just tired of being alive.  I hurt so much and didn't know how to handle it....so I just didn't want to.  I didn't want to handle it.  And drinking numbed that for awhile but sometimes I would be sober and realize that I was still breathing but I didn't want to do that anymore either. I was just tired.

When I checked out of Shawnee Mission (which is a great program for people that need help), they put on my exit form that I needed to look into a 12 step program.  WTF???  I had no idea where they got that from. I didn't drink that much and what had I said that tipped them off.  Because I still don't know what I said to make them say that.

I have a habit of being honest with people. Sometimes a little bluntly (although that is improving).  So I'm surprised when people tell me to stop calling them and go to a 12 step program.  I was confused.  But I started going in October of 2007. I stopped drinking in November of 2007 (the 6th to be exact).  But my sobriety date is March 14, 2008.  I have a huge resentment about that but it's appropriate.  See, if I take my pills a certain way, I get high. And I told my sponsor that.  She then "suggested" that I change my date and to stop taking my pills that way.  All true and right.  Still, I like that I'll have 3 years in November but really it's 3 years next March.

So now?  It has been a hard almost 3 years.  I don't know how I kept my job because for 2007 and 2008 I was probably home drunk in part of 2007 and crying and huddling under my covers in 2008 about 1/2 of the time.  My boss is a great man and he took pity on me.  Don't get me wrong.  I did my job, sometimes from my bedroom.  But I didn't excel like I had.  But I still am not sure how I was able to keep my job.  I'm so very grateful to my boss for that.

The first year of sobriety was actually pretty easy.  I was not drinking, which I found easy to not do.  I didn't crave a drink and (knock on wood) I still do not crave a drink.  I spent most of the first year not talking in meetings.  I listened.  And I hated everyone and everything about the program.  I didn't want to be there, I didn't like what they had to say, I was miserable so why do I need to stop drinking?  But around my year mark, something happened.  Because I was still fighting the reasoning around WHY I had to be there, I still thought that I could go and drink and it wouldn't be bad.  They had taught me how to arm myself.

But I have to admit that I would never drink again and not feel some type of guilt, frustration and anger because I know better.  I know that I'm an alcoholic.  I know that deep down inside.  And I know that I could lose everything if I drank.  And that is because I have a life today that is so worth it that I am not willing to interrupt that.

People say that this program gave them their life back...I have to disagree, this program gave me a life.  Because I was just surviving before.  I was just going through the motions.  I have a life that includes those people at work; asking them about their weekend and their kids.  It includes actually responding back in the conversation with what I did for the weekend.  I may never be BFF with people at work.  But they know that I bought a new car.  They know that my Milo is pretty much deaf.  They know that I have tattoos.  Maybe not really good friends but we're more then acquaintances.

And then there are my friends outside of work.  I have great friends because of this program.  Some in the program, some from before the divorce and the program.  And then there are those that I am making independently from the program.  Who would have thought that I could have friends?  Real friends...ones that I ask for their opinion and get it and even sometimes I get to give my opinion and mean it. I actually care now.  My "could give a shit" attitude? It's still there.  And I have to fight it sometimes.  But it does not define me.

For those of you out there that are in a 12 step program or know someone who is...keep coming back because it works if you work it.