Being Sober

Being sober definitely has its advantages.  I find myself in situations that would have baffled me before (I love the word baffled and it is in some of the literature of a 12 step program I got sober in).  I now have enough knowledge that tells me what my actions should be. I have a moral compass that, although not 100% functional, it still gets me where I need to be.

When I first got sober, I had no idea what to do in situations.  I would just muscle through some of them. Since I only paid attention about 1/2 the time the first few months, I would still so the things I used to do when drinking.  But more often then not, as I stayed sober longer, I found the right way to handle things.

And I find myself less interested in my sobriety and all the things I have to do.  But I have dozens of reasons to not drink.  A couple are:

1. I have more money each weekend (although I think I've switched from buying alcohol to just buying tons of other things).
2. I don't forget my debit card and drivers licenses at places and have to retrace my steps to figure out where I left it.
3. I wake up in my bed and usually in the clothes I went to bed in.
4. The corners of my mouth are not ripped because I was puking the night before because I had a theory that I wouldn't have a hangover the next day if I would puke the night before.
5. I can walk into a restaurant and not have to calculate how many drinks I could have before and after eating.
6. I end up where I plan to arrive at the end of the night.
7. If I need help, people are going to answer the phone and quite likely help me.
8. People trust me and actually want to see me.
9. While driving, I am not a danger to people because of being drunk. 
10. I have boundaries for myself and others.
11. I say what I'll do and I do what I say.
12. I have a support system that is only because I have shown up and given back.

But, for me, alcohol was but a symptom.  I drank off and on from 19 to 22.  22 - 25 I drank heavily and with some repercussions.  As I was going through the divorce, I didn't stop drinking for 6 months.  This is when I went through my worst drinking.  But what made me an alcoholic were my character defects. Drinking was just my way of covering it up.  It could have been anything...overeating, narcotics, spending too much.  I do things to make me feel better; take away the pain or confusion.  Buying something makes me feel pretty or happy; just for that small amount of time. It never lasts...just like alcohol.

Working with a 12 step program right as I got sober was the only way I would have gotten sober.  I would have had no chance if I tried to quit on my own.  I know, right now, that if I were to drink, it wouldn't just be one.  Not even if I tried to keep it to just one.  I can't control my drinking. And the urge to drink left me early in recovery but I still struggled with why I was doing that.  That is where the program and all those in it, helped.  How could I point out my flaws? I was blinded to that.  It took others to show me.  And I realized that I was harming others in my life when I thought I was doing them a favor by drinking alone and ostracizing myself from them.

I have no desire to drink and I don't think I will never drink again.  Mainly because I can think of no situation that I may be in the rest of my life that drinking would improve it.  I have no urge or desire to drink.  My Dad stopped drinking, cold turkey, in 1988 and has never drank since.  He's never used a program.  He just has that kind of control over his drinking and I think I'll have the same.  But I can't just expect that to be the case.  I have to be diligent about my desire to never drink again.

Being sober means I have to change the way I do things. I can't lie, cheat, steal.  I can't manipulate things so they go the way I want them to go and to lash out at people because they didn't do what I wanted them to do.  I still do those things but it's fewer and far between.  Sometimes I catch myself doing them and I have to go make amends for what I did.  If I find that I have wronged someone, because I want to stay sober, I go make amends. I swallow my pride and do what is right.

Being sober now means I have to live by principles and that means not resting on my laurels.  Which is easy to do.  I am really good about doing things half assed.  I can even half ass half-assed.  I excel.  But to stay sober AND healthy means I have to do all the work.  And I find myself not doing the work lately. I feel a little burned out.  I know what to do...I'm getting there.

I found God because of being sober. I lived an empty and pointless life before I got sober.  I was lonely and felt worthless.  I now have purpose and a sense of worth.

And being sober has given me a life I never imagined having.  I have friends (both in and out of the program). I have a job that I actually do like although I say I don't. My family loves me and supports me.  If I call them, they don't screen it because I'll be a rambling drunk fool.  I have an empty slate each day and I can make my story.  

I'm so grateful for all of those things.  I just have to remind myself sometimes.