I have been on some of the same meds for years and I know that they work. If I were to stop taking them…I would probably not live very long. (Sounds so dramatic but it’s still the truth) To me, death is an option. It’s always been THE ANSWER for everything. I never saw the flip side of that argument. But it’s become less of an option today. It probably will always be an option. But I have came to a place in my life and found that I don’t want to die. So, in the need to stay alive, I take my pills. I don’t want to. I hate taking them. And, in my head, I keep thinking I’m doing better so why keep taking them. But I play the tape forward and I see the darkness for what it is.
And cost...holy crap balls. I don't have a deductible insurance plan thankfully, just copays. I have a flex spend account that I put $3,000 into every year to pay for doctors and medications. And I am sqeaking by with $3,000. My meds cost, on average, $225 a month. Then there are the med check appointments and therapist. Just getting a regular check up with my family practioner. All that gets down to the very bottom of the barrel and I typically have to come up with $50 or so at the end of the year. But it saves me so much money during the year because I'm not one of those people that can save money away for known expenses even.
Recently I had to add a drug to my arsenal and it has been HUGE for me. And kind of scared me when I started taking it because I saw it as a last ditch effort. I had gone manic for about 7 months at that point. I had never been manic for more than a couple of hours; maybe a few days. But to be manic for so long…I was running on fumes. And I didn’t see I was manic. My friend Crawford pointed it out to me and at that point I totally saw it. I immediately contacted my doctor and was put on a new med. My doc prescribed Lithium. Lithium is an "old" drug and one of the first drugs produced to help treat depression.
It still took another 3 months or so for me to get it under control. But when it did kick in, it was amazing. I felt this calm about me that was so cool. I wasn’t high nor was I low. I’m on this even plane where I don’t get riled up and I don’t get depressed. When I first started taking it, I thought I was depressed or a zombie but in reality it’s what normal feels like, I imagine. It’s so appealing to continue to take this drug for the rest of my life. Except 2 things…death and side effects.
This prescription is the only time my doctor has told me to absolutely stick to the prescribed amount because this will kill you. Part of me was amazed that she finally told me a dosage that would kill me. I ask her every time I change a drug what the dosage that could kill me be. Being a good doctor, she never told me. This time, with Lithium, she told me very specifically, do not take more then you are prescribed to take. I think that is what made me think this was a last ditch effort to help me. Of course, it isn’t. Lithium was just a drug in her arsenal that she was trying to see if I could come down. It helped immensely.
The 2nd reason I am cautious about taking it for the rest of my life are the side effects. With any medication, you have the potential to experience side effects. I read somewhere that one in four patients are plagued by side effects from prescription medications. I have not been that one in the past and is probably why I’m OK with taking all the pills I take for now. Its the fact that the pills are giving me a good life; that's why I take them.
But with Lithium, I'm getting side effects. And not just for the first few days but I am experiencing them since August. But in Lithium’s defense…it does post that you WILL experience 2 side effects. The 2 side effects are diarrhea and tremors.
I thought long and hard about what to talk about with diarrhea. And I’ve decided to spare you the vivid details but suffice it to say that diarrhea and I are "buddies" and it’s not every day for the most point; which is a good thing. But I'm not sure you need the details of that.
The tremors are interesting and something I have had to get used to. I get them every day, just with varying intensity. For the most part, I get up in the morning and it’s barely noticeable. Further into the morning and I start to shake. It starts to get bad around lunch. Around this time it then is decided what intensity it’s going to be. Some days are better than others. Today it is barely noticeable. Yesterday I couldn’t hold a cup to my mouth. I had to hold it with both hands and even then it was a bit “wiggly”. And people notice. More than I do. I’ve had people tell me that I’m shaking; either in a grocery store or in my AA meetings. People have definitely asked if I’m OK; if I had eaten. The concern is actually very nice and I typically just tell them that “I shake, I’m a shaker”. That seems to appease them. And it sounds kind of witty.
But I've essentially become a vibrator.
No comments:
Post a Comment