Only a mother could love her looks

I absolutely adore Willow.  I loved The Dogs (Mighty Milo and Sissy Girl); I don't think anyone would argue that.  But they were old when they passed. I really don't remember them as puppies. I mean there are specific episodes that I remember but I just remember them being casual and relaxed.  Not as an excuse for why I feel like I love Willow more but more so people remember that I loved them. They were great dogs.

And I think there is a little bit of guilt around this.  I feel like I've forgotten Milo and Sammie. I feel like I was a horrible parent and didn't let them be a true dog. I abused them by not letting them be on the couches.  I never took them to a dog park, they didn't have bones on a regular basis....yadda yadda yadda. I struggle with all of that...

But Willow absolutely makes me laugh out loud.  She gets so excited to see me.  She will launch herself at me when I sit down on the floor to see her.  She talks to me all the time.  I understand that dogs "don't talk" but I assure you that Willow does.  If she gets irritated with something or someone, she will grumble and snort.  She knows when shes in trouble because she'll start meowing at me to forgive her.  And she will groan and grumble when I come home and she is so excited to see me.  I love coming home!

So, with this new love of my life, I'm a different kind of dog owner. She is on the couches (which was a HUGE no-no with The Dogs).  I have been known to give her VERY small bites of human food.  But that is going to stop. Human Food is for Humans....and she has 3 bones every day (which she loves and reminds me to give her them several times a day)

And for all those people that I made fun of for dressing their dogs....I apologize.  That's an official apology. Those don't come from me very often. 

So I have a nice little wardrobe for her in the colder months.  My reasoning is because she has so little hair and so she'll get cold easily.  Which my vet confirmed but wouldn't go on record saying that I should buy her clothes.  Guess she didn't want to have to do that for everyone.

But I have found an all new level.  HALLOWEEN!!!!  Yes people, Willow has her own Halloween costume.  I honestly wasn't planning on a costume, I just stumbled onto them at Target.  This is actually Crawford's fault...she talked me into going to Target.  Or I could have talked her into it but lets stick with it being Crawford's fault.

I bought the shark one first and then found that she had a hard time jumping up on things.  So I went with the bat one. I need to make some alterations to the bat one but not a lot. 

Starting October 1st, on our nightly walks, she's Willow the Bat Girl!!!

And since we're showing each other our kid's photos....

She has taken to sleeping on the "bolster" I have at the top of the bed.  I used to use that as my pillow but she took this over and I have, yet, to take control back.  And not just with reclaiming my pillow; this dog walks all over me.

I can't remember if I ever posted this but this was the result of our very first walk. I don't think she had ever been walked or on a leash and she was not happy about it at the time.  I ended up dragging her several feet before I turned around and found this situation.

I know, by all standards and others eschewed vision of beauty, this dog would be called ugly. And I'm very biased... she is probably so ugly that she's cute...that's how others have explained that.

But to me, she is gorgeous.....



Deep Thoughts by Willow Grace



I just don't know what else to do....

Things at work have gotten to an all time low.  Things are being done that I don't agree with.  And then there are things that are being put on the back burner and I don't understand the reasoning behind it.

Just about everyone has been put on a Performance Improvement Plan (me included) because there is such disconnects going on that things are being dropped or ignored.  Some of these issues are self induced.  I'm guilty of not responding quickly.  I know that.  And it doesn't help that people's attitudes are really bad.  I'm guilty of that too.

I just had no desire to get up in the morning so I was getting in late and leaving early.  I just didn't want to be apart of this team/company anymore.

None of that has really changed but I recognize the need for change.  It's terror induced change.  I can't lose my job. They let a couple people go that had some tenor.  I have seniority over some of these people and I ask myself what I really want to do.  Do I want to make it to 12 years in January?  Or do I want to work hard enough to stay and keep looking for a job?  My laziness makes me want to do the bare minimum, get let go, live off my 401K for awhile and try to "find myself". 

But the last couple weeks have actually improved for me. And that's because I'm making an effort.  Not just getting to work on time, working while I'm there and then leaving at an appropriate time.  But I'm also putting makeup on.  I'm eating 3 meals a day (with ZERO weight loss thank you very much to those who tell me that I have to eat more then I normally do to start losing - Whatever) and I'm doing things around the house more; like cleaning and doing dishes.

It wasn't just work that I was checking out of.  It was my life I wanted to check out of.  I have things in my life that I wish they were different. I wish I had more satisfying relationships.  I wish I had more room in my bedroom.  All things that I just expect to happen.  And "coming to" is helping me realize that I can't have it all.  I need to work for it. 

So....my grasp on life is better.  A little more stable.  I have desires to do better in things and to learn to let go of other things. But, God it was so much less stressful when I just checked out and played on my Kindle/Phone/Computer/Crafts....now I have to pay attention.

And enjoying it does not mean that I'm in my PJ's, unbathed for a 5 days and fluctuating between reading in bed but sleeping on the couch.

Kindle

I had been throwing the idea of getting a Kindle around for about 3 months.  The reason I know 3 months is that I started thinking about how I hadn't picked up an actual book in over 2 months. I was reading little free books on my Android with the Kindle app.  It was wicked small but still, I read.  So I paid attention.  I spent the next couple of months actively trying to pick up a book but it just never happened.

Not because I'm so weak and couldn't pick up a book...although my wings on my under arms are getting disgustingly droopier and would really make a person wonder about my upper body strength.

It just seemed like I would want to take a book with me, in case I found myself unoccupied, but I would ultimately grab a book that didn't seem interesting at the time.  So I would grab a couple of books and this meant bigger purses and so on....after 3 months, I finally started looking at the Kindles.

So, for my birthday, I got a Kindle. The 3G and Wireless version.  Why? Because I go to places with no WiFi.  You would think that no WiFi would be few and far between but I know of 5 locations that I go to on a regular basis that don't have WiFi.  Cheap bastards.

And then you ask...why do I need WiFi everywhere...and I simply say, "because I want to". Looking back, I realize that I didn't need to have that one. I could have saved about $50.  But when I want something, I will pursue it to the ends of the earth....and then some.

I have around 350 books on my kindle now.  Project Gutenberg is a great website that I lifted most of those 350 from.  All are older and more classics then anything but I now have a device that I'm sure I'll find something I want to read when I'm stuck somewhere.  I'm pretty impress with what I have and Amazon is pretty good with selection.

I use my Kindle every day. And I mean that.  It gets me by some boring times.  If I have a slow moment; 15 minutes or something, I take it out and read until its time to do something else.  It was a really great idea for me to get.

With that said...I now want a Nook.

I haven't had my Kindle for a month and I'm ready for a bigger and better product.  I should have saved my money for another couple of months and just splurged. The big deciding factor though is that I'd have to start over on my collection.  My paid for books would be lost. I think it would be pretty easy for Project Gutenberg books to be downloaded as the Internet Explorer not found in the Kindle (or at least not a good IE is found) is better on the Nook and so it would be very simple to do a download.

Hindsight is 20/20.  But I know what I'm going to do with my Kindle and I know how much the Nook is.  Before too long, I'll have a Nook and I'll have to start over with my collection.  That is one

Since I refuse to buy an iPad, the Nook is the best alternative.

And you can touch it like your phone.  I keep tapping the hell out of the Kindle screen, waiting for it to pop up what I want. I'm a creature of habit.

As soon as I get some money piled up, this beast is mine.

Kind of a boring post...I promise to do better next time.

Cable will make you go broke yet enable you to look fabulous

About 18 months ago I turned my cable off. Not because I needed to save money, although it was a nice benefit but because the last time I watched TV was 6 weeks prior. I was spending money on cable with no intent to watch. So I turned it off. And I didn't miss it. I actually took pride in the fact that I had never seen some of the shows that people talked about. I kind of rubbed it in, in fact, that I didn't have cable. But I actually got more crap from others that I was trying to be high and mighty. And I probably was...but it doesn't matter, I still was better than them.

On a side note, I had absolutely ABSOLUTELY no idea of what was going on in the world. I didn't know the weather. The tornado in St Joseph, Missouri? I had no idea what happened until a day or two afterwards, I heard someone talk about it and I realized that I was doing a huge disservice to myself. But I didn't really want to get cable still. I guess I just wanted to not give in to any of the trappings of cable.





Now? I have had cable for a month and I'm hooked. I still refuse to watch most reality shows. I have no desire to follow the Kardashians or those idiots on Jersey Shore. The Housewives of wherever are not something I am even remotely interested in. I did watch about 15 minutes of the Housewives of the Mob and OMFG...what an utter and complete waste of my time.



I have found a few shows that I am starting to follow. I don't DVR them because I forget we have DVR. I've watched a few Movies On Demand but am less inclined because it's $5 a movie. But what it really boils down to is that I just can't find anything to watch. I get bored pretty easily lately and sitting down for more than 30 minutes is kind of hard. Obviously having a DVR means I can watch when I want to and I've started thinking about making the effort to watch new stuff and using the DVR but I just have yet to pull the trigger but that also requires me to remember to check the DVR. This whole thing is incredibly exhausting.



One thing that I have been watching is QVC. God knows why I found this channel. God knows why I love to watch all the stuff that you can buy at any time, day or night. I love to watch the models and for the “personality” to use as many adjectives in 15 minutes for the one piece of merchandise. I really love to hear the phone calls (the “testimonies”) and every single one I have heard is an old woman buying it at 1:30 in the morning because her cat’s sick. I totally made that up but you get the gist of it.



Now, here comes confession….I have bought things on QVC and more so on their website. I have returned one but have kept the others. I have a wish list on-line that I would like to buy all of them. Most of the pricing is quite reasonable and the quality is fair to good. I like the “4 easy payments of $14.89” option. But really I just love the ability to look at a huge array of stuff and think of how it would look good on me or in my hands. I have to be careful, because I can justify anything. I have been very good about this though. I know my money limits and I know what I can and cannot do.



I am practicing restraint and only sticking to QVC. HSN and others are just one channel away on cable and one click away on the Internet but I can’t start watching them all the time. I would truly because a TV addict and wouldn’t leave the house. Maybe I would feel better about getting my money’s worth from cable.



So, I’m slowly getting myself back out in the information highway. I’ve started listening to talk radio. I don’t understand where the anger is coming from with some of these radio programs but it is showing me that I need to stay informed and so I am starting to read the newspaper on-line. Listening to talk radio and watching some of the news channels on TV. I really like John Stewart and Steven Colbert. I laugh WHILE learning…genius.



I registered to vote last week, first time since Clinton. I haven’t stayed informed so I had no right to vote and then no right to complain. That’s a horrible attitude and I hope to fix that.



So…cable is going to rot my brain eventually. But I tell you what; I don’t think QVC is going to disappointment and I'll have fabulous things to wear and use while in front of the TV, watching riveting video's like this.  Educational....

Brick by Brick

Many years of therapy and beating my head against an invisible wall that seemed to follow me wherever I go, I have learned about what happens to you when you don’t have boundaries. Some of those experiences are great reminders and dear to me. Most of them, unfortunately, were because I wasn’t paying attention and several of THOSE times I came away with a puzzled look on my face and saying “What the fuck just happened?” That happens more often then I’d like to admit. So when I say I have learned to build boundaries, I mean that whole heartily. And I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done as a result of those lessons.




Most of the time, I ask questions around subjects that I don’t understand because typically I would just do what I thought I was supposed to do and ultimately I ended up embarrassed and a little jaded. I call that my pause moment. Instead of reacting immediately; usually before the person finishes, I pause and gather my thoughts. I kind of like the idea of being collected enough to represent myself in a conversation and not take the whole conversation hostage.



I get taken advantage of sometimes in my pursuit to be liked. I would just ignore my needs and beliefs in order to ensure that person would think highly of me. I would compromise my ideas and morals because I didn’t think someone would find value in them; they would not support me. My feelings were hurt on many occasions. The irony is that I never really had “feelings” to hurt in my mind, I still walked around as though I was indestructible. In reality, they added a layer or two to the growing wall around my soul and heart. I constantly walked around with a sound of grinding bricks in my chest. No one would ever totally be able to touch those things inside. But I have found that I don’t want that to be the case. I really want to let someone inside and that means boundaries. If I know what I’m willing to allow, then I know when I can say no. I know how to defend myself. And that defending myself doesn’t look like I bring the depths of hell with me because I don’t dare show weakness and just trying to annihilate you means I keep my pride. I go a little theatrical sometimes.



Those are “my” boundaries but really they are situational boundaries. The big ones I have learned are within me. The big one is to remember that I don’t have the right to abuse myself because I would never do that to another person. I have no right to berate myself by saying such horrible things. The voices in my head do not get to take me hostage and slowly tear me apart and I lose all concepts of pride, love and worth. Learning boundaries with that one has become my Emmy Nomination. I may not win the award but I’m honored to be nominated.



So, with all that said….I have very little boundaries with Willow. She just struts around knowing I will do very little to correct things. I let her on the furniture; which NEVER happened with The Dogs. I let her have treats and to beg for more will deliver more. She takes up half my bed most of the time but so far its been “her side” and “my side”….until recently. I shake my head at myself with this one. I have no idea why I let this happen but it has. I have a body pillow that I actually stretch across the top of the bed. It’s my pillow and she has taken to sleeping on top of that pillow. The last 4 or so days, I have lost my pillow. Completely. I am now sleeping on another pillow, on the other side of the bed.

I know I’m the human and I have all the authority. But I just can’t say no…she looks so cute. I’m sure she’ll move onto another portion of the bed soon enough.



Boundaries Shannon….boundaries…..