Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to forgive a lot of people in my life for the times I feel like they did not fight for me.  The times that I brought grievances to them and all my hurt and anger and they did nothing.  But after almost 3 years of being sober...there is not a lot of people that I feel I need to forgive.  I can't change what happened and I can't hold those resentments without it harming me.  So I had to change, not them nor the events.

Forgiveness can be very powerful.   I can't walk through life without forgiving people because then I'll be walking about with that soreness on my heart and that starts to hurt. I don't do well with pain so my tendencies would be to drink to oblivion.  And that is just not an option anymore.  So forgiveness is essential to my program.

Imagine walking through your life with the knowledge that not only am I capable of forgiveness...but that the forgiveness from others is just as much of a reality.  You just have to live your life as though you were an ideal you....no one can stay upset with someone that has serenity in their life and doesn't like to stir the pot.  Be an example to those in your life.  Teach them through your actions.

Forgiveness is the key to serenity.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for all the wasted years I feel that I lost due to not being willing. This goes back to yesterday's thing about what I love most about myself. That was how willing I’ve become. Because I was not willing before and I really cut myself off from other people and experiences. Different movies and music. Finding a person that I could connect with (not just men relationships but any relationships). I lost out on a lot of experiences that could have molded me into a better person. Or least in a better place in my life. All because I wasn’t willing to take that risk and get to know people. I couldn’t risk the fact that I could have been hurt but just to think about what I would have gained. That is what keeps me angry at myself.  I hate that I looked the other way because it was easier then actually working at something. I just assumed things would come to me when/if I needed them. Instead of working at things, I half assed it.  I actually can half ass half assing...

So forgiveness is coming slowly.  I find myself more calm with situations that used to baffle me.  It's easier to give myself a break when I start berating myself for not doing something right.  I'm human and make mistakes.  That's probably the biggest thing actually...the forgiveness for not being perfect.  I'm never going to be perfect and to try to live up to that standard is not possible nor realistic.  My expectations are that I can achieve it and if I don't...I'm a piece of shit.  Well, I'm not a piece of shit.  I'm a pretty decent human being that is never going to be perfect. And that is really all I can, or even should, ask for.

Making mistakes is what brings out the biggest achievements sometimes.  I have to remember that I'm not perfect and that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me like everyone else.

Day 2 - Something I love about myself

Something I love about myself.

This is a hard one because I spent the first 30 odd years hating everything about me. The way I talked, the way I looked, how I couldn’t interact with people my own age, my stupid name….everything was my fault. That inner voice that kept telling me I was horrible. It was a constant assault on my self esteem. 

But the last couple of years have been interesting. I had to do an assets list early in the program. It was one of the things my sponsor required of me when I got sober. Because we are so good at finding all the crappy parts of our life and because we have to do an inventory of our most devious and heinous defects; it’s pretty hard to find all the good things when you are so focused on the negative things; the things that are part of the reason why I’m an alcoholic and all around miserable. And that list was pretty short. This is from January of 2008.

• I am paying my bills on time and even early sometimes.
• I have paid off two credit cards totally.
• I have been able to live on my own without assistance since June.
• I have lost 60 pounds.
• I have become a better daughter by being there for my parents.
• I attended an AA meeting on my own
• I have a good sense of style and décor
• When I do show up for work, I do have competence in my position. I am always available

That was a lot to come up with at that point in my life. A lot…

Now? I have a much better grasp on it. I think better of myself…maybe too much better of myself sometimes. I get a bit of an ego…

Probably the one biggest thing that I love about myself is the fact that I am now more willing. I have never been willing to do anything that was outside of my comfort level. If I didn’t want to do it or felt that I wouldn’t be able to do it properly (actually perfectly is a better word) then I had no desire to even think about it. I was not willing to see things from your point of view. I was not willing to try different foods. I wasn’t even willing to see where I had been wrong and then willing to make amends for that.

With the 12 step program I am in, I HAD to become willing to do things differently because it was a matter of life or death. Yes, I do mean life or death. Not dramatically but honestly. If I kept drinking I’d die; either by my hand or because I would feel bullet proof and 7 feet tall and that gets me into situations that are not safe and that included being around people I didn’t know or moral situations that I felt no guilt over. And I would not be able to live with myself if I had hurt or killed someone while I was drunk driving.

Today I am a lot more willing. Still hold back on things but it was so bad that I wouldn’t even wear patterns on my clothing; it was too chaotic for me. I’m a pretty much black & white person so colors and patterns were not easy for me. I can wear colors now. Maybe not all patterns but I do have several tops that have some more subdued patterns.  I find it OK to put Black and Brown together…sometimes. But definitely never denim with denim…that’s a Canadian Tuxedo and just never something I could pull off.

I’m willing to try new music or foods. I have found that I can do things I never thought I could do…like being more creative. I’m willing to allow myself to fail; just as long as I tried.  Today I've decided to take the risk...

I love the fact that I am 36 years old and I am finding out that I’m not a horrible person…that I am actually a pretty good friend and daughter. I am a good worker. I take pride in what I do and I’m WILLING to do what it takes to make things right. Regardless of whether or not I want it to be done a certain way. But if it’s the right way…that’s important.

So my love affair with me is going along pretty well. I still have that committee of 12 in my head that does a constant barrage of insults and derogatory comments. But now I stand up to them more and will them to silence. Because I'm good enough, smart enough and dog gone it, people like me.

30 days of posting

 I'm totally stealing this from a blog I came across. I've since lost who the blog was between copy and pasting. My Internet Explorer crashed on me between them and luckily I tend to start my posts in Word to make sure all my grammar and spelling are correct so I didn’t lose this whole thing…just the blog I was on to swipe this from. F'ing Microsoft bastards.


I like the idea of opening up a little bit about myself and letting all 3 (yes...I now have 3 followers!!!!! I'm going pro!) people that follow my blog know so much about me. So here is what I'm going to write about for the next 30 days:


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



Just to set expectations now….don't expect a post every single day for the next 30 'cause that’s a pretty big commitment and I just know me. Now, I could surprise all of us and do it every day. Don’t be upset if we’re doing this over the next 3 months…I do promise to have this done before January 1!!


So, Day 1 -- here's something I hate about myself: I hate my desperate and pathetic need to be the center of attention. I like to think I'm a confident person who likes who she is and believes in herself, but my perverse need for attention stands in stark contrast to that perception. I try very hard to be less of an attention-whore, but I just don't have as much fun socially if I'm not dominating the conversation or having everyone all around me hang on every word of my fascinating stories Fortunately I'm blessed to have friends who don't seem to care and love me anyway even though I hog the spotlight, but I still feel like a dick the next day when I realize how much of a jerk I was. I really beat myself up over this but I can't seem to stop.



Well, that was fun! Let's hope Day 2 can keep this momentum going!

I knew it was too good to be true

I spent no money on Sunday and Monday.  None...not even a soda.  And I was getting a little cocky...I had a doctor's appointment today and I knew I was getting a prescription that I was going to have to fill.  And I fill at Target.  So I was prepping myself for just going in and out.  No spending. Nothing I needed.

So what did I do?  I stopped at the thrift shop next to the doctor's and just told myself I was going to look for a bar stool to go with my work table. Assuming I wouldn't find anything.  Well, $10 later I have a dress, a $4 bar stool, a jean jacket and a skirt.

And then Target.  They have Honey Crisp apples!!!  I absolutely love Honey Crisp apples...LOVE THEM.  So I had to buy 4 and then there was a coupon at the pharmacy counter for $0.50 off Target brand fabric softener (which I need) and I found some for $2.29 (and then $0.50 off) and I found a little sign that says "The Witch Is In" which I have been wanting to find one to put up in my office since I'm kind of known as being the bitch at work.  So that was another $13 at Target.  That's $23 in one day.  It's still less then it normally would have been....I can justify it in some sense...

I have no plans for the rest of the week that will mean I need to spend money.  I do have plans for Sunday that I would like to spend something but I'm going to take cash and leave my card in the car.

I hate this whole not spending money thing....why can't I meet some tall, handsome, well endowed and filthy rich man?


And after all that?  I never filled my prescription.