I just don't know what else to do....

Things at work have gotten to an all time low.  Things are being done that I don't agree with.  And then there are things that are being put on the back burner and I don't understand the reasoning behind it.

Just about everyone has been put on a Performance Improvement Plan (me included) because there is such disconnects going on that things are being dropped or ignored.  Some of these issues are self induced.  I'm guilty of not responding quickly.  I know that.  And it doesn't help that people's attitudes are really bad.  I'm guilty of that too.

I just had no desire to get up in the morning so I was getting in late and leaving early.  I just didn't want to be apart of this team/company anymore.

None of that has really changed but I recognize the need for change.  It's terror induced change.  I can't lose my job. They let a couple people go that had some tenor.  I have seniority over some of these people and I ask myself what I really want to do.  Do I want to make it to 12 years in January?  Or do I want to work hard enough to stay and keep looking for a job?  My laziness makes me want to do the bare minimum, get let go, live off my 401K for awhile and try to "find myself". 

But the last couple weeks have actually improved for me. And that's because I'm making an effort.  Not just getting to work on time, working while I'm there and then leaving at an appropriate time.  But I'm also putting makeup on.  I'm eating 3 meals a day (with ZERO weight loss thank you very much to those who tell me that I have to eat more then I normally do to start losing - Whatever) and I'm doing things around the house more; like cleaning and doing dishes.

It wasn't just work that I was checking out of.  It was my life I wanted to check out of.  I have things in my life that I wish they were different. I wish I had more satisfying relationships.  I wish I had more room in my bedroom.  All things that I just expect to happen.  And "coming to" is helping me realize that I can't have it all.  I need to work for it. 

So....my grasp on life is better.  A little more stable.  I have desires to do better in things and to learn to let go of other things. But, God it was so much less stressful when I just checked out and played on my Kindle/Phone/Computer/Crafts....now I have to pay attention.

And enjoying it does not mean that I'm in my PJ's, unbathed for a 5 days and fluctuating between reading in bed but sleeping on the couch.