Brick by Brick

Many years of therapy and beating my head against an invisible wall that seemed to follow me wherever I go, I have learned about what happens to you when you don’t have boundaries. Some of those experiences are great reminders and dear to me. Most of them, unfortunately, were because I wasn’t paying attention and several of THOSE times I came away with a puzzled look on my face and saying “What the fuck just happened?” That happens more often then I’d like to admit. So when I say I have learned to build boundaries, I mean that whole heartily. And I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done as a result of those lessons.




Most of the time, I ask questions around subjects that I don’t understand because typically I would just do what I thought I was supposed to do and ultimately I ended up embarrassed and a little jaded. I call that my pause moment. Instead of reacting immediately; usually before the person finishes, I pause and gather my thoughts. I kind of like the idea of being collected enough to represent myself in a conversation and not take the whole conversation hostage.



I get taken advantage of sometimes in my pursuit to be liked. I would just ignore my needs and beliefs in order to ensure that person would think highly of me. I would compromise my ideas and morals because I didn’t think someone would find value in them; they would not support me. My feelings were hurt on many occasions. The irony is that I never really had “feelings” to hurt in my mind, I still walked around as though I was indestructible. In reality, they added a layer or two to the growing wall around my soul and heart. I constantly walked around with a sound of grinding bricks in my chest. No one would ever totally be able to touch those things inside. But I have found that I don’t want that to be the case. I really want to let someone inside and that means boundaries. If I know what I’m willing to allow, then I know when I can say no. I know how to defend myself. And that defending myself doesn’t look like I bring the depths of hell with me because I don’t dare show weakness and just trying to annihilate you means I keep my pride. I go a little theatrical sometimes.



Those are “my” boundaries but really they are situational boundaries. The big ones I have learned are within me. The big one is to remember that I don’t have the right to abuse myself because I would never do that to another person. I have no right to berate myself by saying such horrible things. The voices in my head do not get to take me hostage and slowly tear me apart and I lose all concepts of pride, love and worth. Learning boundaries with that one has become my Emmy Nomination. I may not win the award but I’m honored to be nominated.



So, with all that said….I have very little boundaries with Willow. She just struts around knowing I will do very little to correct things. I let her on the furniture; which NEVER happened with The Dogs. I let her have treats and to beg for more will deliver more. She takes up half my bed most of the time but so far its been “her side” and “my side”….until recently. I shake my head at myself with this one. I have no idea why I let this happen but it has. I have a body pillow that I actually stretch across the top of the bed. It’s my pillow and she has taken to sleeping on top of that pillow. The last 4 or so days, I have lost my pillow. Completely. I am now sleeping on another pillow, on the other side of the bed.

I know I’m the human and I have all the authority. But I just can’t say no…she looks so cute. I’m sure she’ll move onto another portion of the bed soon enough.



Boundaries Shannon….boundaries…..