Sammie is home

I brought Sissy home last night.  Its good to have her here.  It actually made me feel better.  I cried harder then I did when I actually put her to sleep.  I guess I thought that the passing would be the hardest part.  But her ashes made me cry very hard and long.  She is really gone.

I know this all sounds overly dramatic and girly but this actually hit me hard.  I was prepared for Milo (to a point).  He's older and I just figured he would be the first.  Sammie was so sudden.  I wasn't prepared.  And I'm always prepared.  Within a 2 hour period it was decided and executed.  How can you be prepared for that?

And the amount of second guessing and wishing thinking has me up at night.  What if I had just decided on so little information?  What if I should have tried a different option? Did I kill her?  I know it's unrealistic to think things that could have gone differently because it happened the way it's supposed to have happened.

And the total outpouring of love for her is surprising.  I realize that I withhold my love from people.  Not something I'm proud of, mind you, but I give everything to my dogs.  My fur babies have my heart.

I'm putting a scrapbook together for Sissy Girl.  I take that back, I'm not putting it together...I'm paying someone to put it together.  I picked out the paper and book; all the pictures.  I've given it to the lady and I hope to get it back soon.  I'm going to put some pictures on here so you can see them.


I swear this will be the last time I vomit up more stuff about Sissy girl....well maybe I'll post one time after I get the scrapbook.

Thank you for letting me indulge in this.  I promise to go back to my old cynical and bitchy self soon.