I got a call from my doctor's office, letting me know that there were some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Of course, all I heard was cancer and I just shut down.
Then, just as if that was not enough, Sammie has a few fatty pockets on her but they are starting to increase in size and numbers and she whelped the other day when I patted one. So I made an appointment with the vet for Sunday...at 3 (about 2 hours from now). I was concerned but I was still in shut down mode with the cancer (that will probably not be cancer).
Of course, they come in 3's and so Milo had a seizure. Like the same day as the cancer call and Sissy Girls whelp. Milo's seizure wasn't a big one (I don't think) but it was one nonetheless. I called the vet to add him to the appointment and they had to conference with the other vet to see if they wanted to bring him in immediately. This scared me. They allowed that he could probably wait until Sunday when I bring Sissy in.
Now here are 3 big things. Me (I'm scared), Sissy Girl and her lumps (I'm starting to get scared for her) and then Milo, who is my very heart, and now I'm a quivering mess in the corner. I truly just shut down. I'm not sure I can handle all three of these things. Definitely not at once.
Needless to say, I go to the negative extreme. For me, it's necessary because then I'm prepared when something actually does happen. If I was not prepared I just wouldn't know what to do and I can't have that. I'd fly apart and I'm not sure I could find my pieces again. I wouldn't be me.
I called my family and told them. They told me everything was going to be OK. Friends said the same. It's going to work out in the end. All things I appreciated hearing.
So everyone has been great or as great as I'll let them. When something happens that I'm not prepared for, I go quiet and I hide. I need the time to be present in the moment, take all the facts I can find and then process. I need to see all the options and I need to figure out how it's going to go. Prepare myself. I hide.
But friends want to support me and for that I am grateful because I didn't have that before. Except the practice husband, who carried me through times I wasn't able to get through. He learned my way of support. He even helped support me through our divorce, when I should have had no business depending on him. I still depend on him...
So, the point of this post is for my friends and family...here is what I need when I try to hide from you, when I'm going through something. This is really for the very beginning, when I first experience something or find something out...Fight for me. Don't tell me everything is going to be OK. I know it's going to be OK. Please don't tell me that you'll be there to support me (I know or rather hope you will). Those are all things that I will definitely be told in the next couple days, weeks or months.
The first day...come inside, sit with me, cry with me, tell me that you'd be happy to go light the guy's car on fire (use in appropriate circumstances obviously), that you're scared too. Ask me what you can do, what am I thinking about, how many pieces of chocolate I need, ask me to not keep it inside and talk about. Make me feel safe enough to cry with you, hold your hand and that I can ask for a Koala bear.
If my friends read this, please know that this is in no way me being rude or mad. This is not me pointing my finger and reprimanding. This is simply my way of asking for help. I know you have my best interests at heart. If this is not something you can or want to do, then please understand when I tell you that I need a day, weekend, or a year to be alone. I'm not trying to push you away or come across as angry. I just know what I need to make it through the first couple of days.
Eventually I'll emerge from my cocoon and then I'll be ready and willing to hear how its going to be OK and that I'll get through it. I will appreciate your willingness to make me feel better and will love that it's going to work out OK. I will need to hear that and probably often. I'm needy like that.
And I thank everyone who has contacted me and told me that it's going to be OK. That if I need anything, to not hesitate to contact them. And thank you for saying you love me. All things I, being so needy, need to hear. Thank you...
So...the next steps are...Dogs have an appointment today with the vet. I'm sure it's going to be OK. Maybe Milo didn't have a seizure, he's going to be fine until I die at the age 106. Sissy Girl just whelped because I tickled her and she's going to only get 1 more lump and then be happy with all the attention I can give her. I'm going to find out that it was a negative positive and I truly am going to live to 106. I'm sure we're all fine and God is really just trying to show me how much I really can handle. And with grace (that one may be a stretch).
In the meantime...I'm scared. And that's OK because I know my friends and family are going to be there to help me get through it and definitely will be there to help pick out the collar for my Koala bear. His name is Lenny.
As a side note and is really only cool to me...this entire blog was written in one sitting (not really a big deal) but there were no misspelled words in it when I checked at the end. That's never happened in however long I've been writing this. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but maybe a nice way to end this post.
*if you find an error....I'll buy you a coke.
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