The results

I should have posted this sooner but results back from Sammie are that both were NOT cancer.  One was a fatty pocket and the second they weren't sure what it was but that neither were cancerous.  That's a huge relief.   The vet thought that it wouldn't be necessary to find out what the 2nd lump was but just keep an eye on it.  I'm willing to do that. 

Milo has not had a seizure, in my presence, for the last week.  And believe me...he has been under constant supervision. Every sneeze or pant will make my head swivel and I lock on him like a Star Trek tractor beam.  He goes through this intensive pat down each night.  Just so I can make sure he's still whole.

Sammie is in 7th heaven....I put a timer on and she gets 10 minutes of brushing, massaging and just general feeling up.  I know they say that dogs can't purr but Sammie does.  When I walk in the door each day, she crows like a rooster.  She will pop off little syllables of welcome...home...missed you...lets go for a walk.  The purring is like an even snore...in...out...in...out. She will actually fall asleep and continue to snore in and out...It is so cool to hear her purring while I'm rubbing all over her.  I am making a conscious effort to touch her on a regular basis.  The only crappy thing is the hair...It's disturbing how much hair comes off her...year round.  I should have put a schedule together for brushing her because I probably would have kept the amount at bay.  She loses the equivalent of a small dog when I brush her.



Doesn't she have pretty fur...great colors





Sammie's 217th "child"

 I have a motto about my dogs and my home.  If it doesn't have hair in or on it, it's not mine. When I refurbish things, I try to tell people that the bits of hair in it are my signature.  I honestly wouldn't know what to do when my house becomes dog and dog hair free.  I think I would like it for a few months but then I would want to have some little fur baby to wrap myself around.  I know it sounds morbid, thinking about the next dog but I think it's healthy to think about it.  Namely because I'm going to lose them.  And probably sooner rather then later.  It's going to hurt like hell to lose Sissy Girl and Milo.  I'm going to mourn them a lot.  But I know I will always want a dog...it just may take me a bit to get one.

I got this from someone and it was just divine intervention to get this.  I could talk about some of these points but I think they speak for themselves.

A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS.........

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2.  Give me time to understand what you want of me
3.  Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4.  Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5.  Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6.  Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7.  Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8.  Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9.  Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10.  On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

That last one is God's voice to my heart.  I don't know that I can be there for either of them but now I know I have to be there for them.  This isn't for me, it's for them.  I really would like to believe that it's never going to happen but it's amazing how quickly things seem to be happening. 

Sammie can't squat properly anymore.  And that's been happening for a few weeks before the vet.  But now she's starting to lose traction when she tries to jump up on the bed.  I'm taking action and having my Dad put together a spec for stairs that I can put next to the bed and she walk up.  Now, I know for a fact that they will never use these stairs.  If I pay money for them, they will not use.  But Milo is starting to miss the bed too.  I figure I can take some of the discomfort away if I try to do that.

Milo is walking into walls.  He did that a few times off and on but yesterday we were going to go out of the bedroom and I went to open the door and Milo was nose deep in the other side of the door, in the corner.  I had to drag him backwards and then push him through the right side of the door.  He fought me a little bit.  I hope that makes sense.  You would think he would remember where stuff is but maybe these seizures are messing with his brain.  He's kind of gone Air Head....he's resorting back to puppy like behavior sometimes.

I have bought them treats and  absolutely HATE that they have taken up begging so easily but I have to realize that they never got treats and now they are snarfing down a huge amount of bi-products.  The one I'm giving them now is absolutely hideous smelling.  I have to wash my hands afterwards but they seem to love them.  Beggin' Strips seem to be their favorite but God does it stink. The manufacturer must know because it comes in a Ziploc bag.  Saves me from gagging every time I walk in the kitchen. Makes you wonder what the hell they put in it.

And through all this, I haven't once thought about my health issues and I couldn't be happier.  I'll try really hard to not forget it completely but it's nice to have something/someone else to focus on and take away the really easy to get there self pity.  There is a lot of nasty things I could say....in the ceaseless pursuit to say the funniest thing I can to make you laugh.  But suffice to say, I'm just fine, wallowing in my denial.

Update after the vet

Well, as written in the previous post, I have visited the vet and I can't say I'm totally at ease.  There are, of course, things we have to wait to get results on.  But I didn't have to put them to sleep at that exact moment, one of my fears.  That's me being the morbid dick that I am.

Sammie had 2 of her lumps biopsied and the doctor's initial response is that she is not hopeful on one of them.  We won't know until Wednesday or Thursday.  If they are OK, then we'll just see how the others do.  At this point she didn't think Sissy Girl was in pain but it would explain her small weight loss and being kind of lethargic.  I'm super concerned and I don't want her hurting. If the tests come back positive, I can't allow her to be in pain; no matter what.

Milo was of a bigger concern to her at first.  With his age, she thought the seizures where probably organ failure.  She recommended some blood work; which was insanely expensive.  This was the cheaper option from getting some scans done to rule out brain tumor.  I took the less expensive option. I hate that my kiddos lives while at a vet office is dictated on what I can afford.

His blood-work came back negative for any failures and all his other tests where in good range.  So that leaves us with brain tumor.  The vet told me that, while his blood-work was good, he's 16 and deaf and going blind.  Is that the type of lifestyle I would want for myself.

He can have one more seizure...that's my decision.  Because, what if he just blinked too many times while swiveling his head back and forth?  This is what is in my mind instead of it being a seizure, because I don't know what to do without Milo in my life. And who do you invite to the little party at the vet when its time?  My parents want to be there for Milo.  They never really bonded with Sissy.  But Milo is their favorite for other reasons.  I explained in a previous post that you can read by clicking here.  And what about the practice husband?  He was in their lives for the last 12 years.  Having parents and practice husband in one area would be interesting.  But I think I want it to be just me in the end.  Have a little get together at the apartment and then I take them to the vet.

I have to admit that I am trying to ignore my feeling of morbidness.  I can't handle the thought of losing either of them and most definitely not around the same time.  I don't know what I would do if I opened my front door after a day at work, shopping, cleaning my car, etc and not have them running up to me.  I would cease to exist.

And that sounds so dramatic but I have had Milo 15 years and Sammie 12.  These are my children and can you imagine having to decide to put your children to sleep?  I know, to some of you, dogs are just dogs.  But to me, these are my children.  I love them no less then you love your children.

Over the next couple of days, I'm going to be staring at them more often and for longer periods of time.  It will not be inconvenient to take them outside for one last time at 10pm.  If they want to have a treat...they get 4.  Try to kick them off my bed?  I'll offer to sleep on the couch.  How else can I show them how much they have meant to me over the last 12 to 15 years?

I'm hoping this enthusiasm to be optimistic will work out in the end and allow me to not dwell on the fact that I will lose them soon.  Give me a few more years.

Now what do I do?

This last week has been...well, terrible.  Really shitty.  I've cried a lot this week.  Mostly Friday to today.  I'm not a crier and definitely not one to do it around other people.

I got a call from my doctor's office, letting me know that there were some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.  Of course, all I heard was cancer and I just shut down.  

Then, just as if that was not enough, Sammie has a few fatty pockets on her but they are starting to increase in size and numbers and she whelped the other day when I patted one.  So I made an appointment with the vet for Sunday...at 3 (about 2 hours from now).  I was concerned but I was still in shut down mode with the cancer (that will probably not be cancer).

Of course, they come in 3's and so Milo had a seizure.  Like the same day as the cancer call and Sissy Girls whelp.  Milo's seizure wasn't a big one (I don't think) but it was one nonetheless.  I called the vet to add him to the appointment and they had to conference with the other vet to see if they wanted to bring him in immediately.  This scared me.  They allowed that he could probably wait until Sunday when I bring Sissy in.

Now here are 3 big things.  Me (I'm scared), Sissy Girl and her lumps (I'm starting to get scared for her) and then Milo, who is my very heart, and now I'm a quivering mess in the corner.  I truly just shut down.  I'm not sure I can handle all three of these things.  Definitely not at once.

Needless to say, I go to the negative extreme.  For me, it's necessary because then I'm prepared when something actually does happen.  If I was not prepared I just wouldn't know what to do and I can't have that.  I'd fly apart and I'm not sure I could find my pieces again.  I wouldn't be me.

I called my family and told them.  They told me everything was going to be OK.  Friends said the same. It's going to work out in the end.  All things I appreciated hearing.

So everyone has been great or as great as I'll let them.  When something happens that I'm not prepared for, I go quiet and I hide.  I need the time to be present in the moment, take all the facts I can find and then process.  I need to see all the options and I need to figure out how it's going to go.  Prepare myself. I hide.

But friends want to support me and for that I am grateful because I didn't have that before.  Except the practice husband, who carried me through times I wasn't able to get through. He learned my way of support.  He even helped support me through our divorce, when I should have had no business depending on him.  I still depend on him...

So, the point of this post is for my friends and family...here is what I need when I try to hide from you, when I'm going through something.  This is really for the very beginning, when I first experience something or find something out...Fight for me.  Don't tell me everything is going to be OK.  I know it's going to be OK.  Please don't tell me that you'll be there to support me (I know or rather hope you will).  Those are all things that I will definitely be told in the next couple days, weeks or months.

The first day...come inside, sit with me, cry with me, tell me that you'd be happy to go light the guy's car on fire (use in appropriate circumstances obviously), that you're scared too.  Ask me what you can do, what am I thinking about, how many pieces of chocolate I need, ask me to not keep it inside and talk about.  Make me feel safe enough to cry with you, hold your hand and that I can ask for a Koala bear.

If my friends read this, please know that this is in no way me being rude or mad.  This is not me pointing my finger and reprimanding.  This is simply my way of asking for help.  I know you have my best interests at heart.  If this is not something you can or want to do, then please understand when I tell you that I need a day, weekend, or a year to be alone.  I'm not trying to push you away or come across as angry.  I just know what I need to make it through the first couple of days.

Eventually I'll emerge from my cocoon and then I'll be ready and willing to hear how its going to be OK and that I'll get through it.  I will appreciate your willingness to make me feel better and will love that it's going to work out OK. I will need to hear that and probably often. I'm needy like that.

And I thank everyone who has contacted me and told me that it's going to be OK.  That if I need anything, to not hesitate to contact them.  And thank you for saying you love me.  All things I, being so needy, need to hear.  Thank you...

So...the next steps are...Dogs have an appointment today with the vet.  I'm sure it's going to be OK.  Maybe Milo didn't have a seizure, he's going to be fine until I die at the age 106.  Sissy Girl just whelped because I tickled her and she's going to only get 1 more lump and then be happy with all the attention I can give her.  I'm going to find out that it was a negative positive and I truly am going to live to 106.  I'm sure we're all fine and God is really just trying to show me how much I really can handle. And with grace (that one may be a stretch).

In the meantime...I'm scared.  And that's OK because I know my friends and family are going to be there to help me get through it and definitely will be there to help pick out the collar for my Koala bear. His name is Lenny.

As a side note and is really only cool to me...this entire blog was written in one sitting (not really a big deal) but there were no misspelled words in it when I checked at the end.  That's never happened in however long I've been writing this.  Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but maybe a nice way to end this post.  

*if you find an error....I'll buy you a coke.

A little house cleaning

My blog looks like crap...I've tried to find cool backgrounds that I like and I think people wouldn't find tacky. I've been fairly successful with that. But I just can't find headers that aren't for stuck up soccer moms that talk about their children, what they eat, how they enjoy a glass or two of wine while scrapping, how their husband doesn't pay attention to them and how they would love to have the minivan with doors on both sides.

Now, in my defense, I just don't identify with that so I find it useless. I know they are very good mothers that love their children and husbands. Me judging them is not nice.

I really don't want to pay someone to create a template for me but I think it's coming to that. Don't get me wrong, I love digging for backgrounds and headers (headers are my worst enemy). But I can never find the perfect one. I've tried Shabbyblogs, Smittenblogs, Dottydotdotdesigns, etc...and they all have really nice stuff but it's not me.

But I do have to admit that I'm not sure what I would want to use. I’m not one for themes and I don’t like a lot of the scrapbook looking backgrounds. I could work with the templates that are on the design portion of the blog but that still leaves me with needing a header. I don’t want animals or cartoon characters. I really don’t want to create something that is too cutesy. But I also am limited by knowledge. I’m sure there are websites out there that would do what I want to do. Mostly I use Microsoft Paint and Word. Seriously….I know this explains the state of my blog….

I’m just not sure I want to dig that deep into this. I spend a lot of time on it already and while I would like to spend more time on it, it’s typically during work when I do it so I’m kind of slacking at work.

I did purchase Adobe PhotoShop Essentials.  Mostly because we get an outstanding discount at work.  And I'm already lost in it.  I should do the right thing and read all the tutorials and FAQ's but I think we both know that I'm not going to do that or at least make it as a last ditch effort.  I want to get into it more because I really do like using Microsoft Paint. It's a challenge and something I can do without reading instructions.  But I'm excited to do something different.  Seeing better results hopefully.

So I'm leaving my header and background as is...although they are completely clashing.

Ah...another thing.  Name for this blog.  I like it-ish....I just have never come up with a good one.  Any suggestions?  If I pick yours, I'll give you something*...we'll discuss once you "win".

* - something could include monetary items or most likely fly swatters, ball of used yarn, a shamwowwie, or a handful of dog hair...all at the discretion of the prize committee (which consists of me and Sissy Girl)

Interesting Statistics

For your entertainment....