Next Week

I had Chinese tonight..which is a huge treat lately.  I'm starting to get some traction with the money issues.  Starting here on, it gets a little more flush.  Doesn't mean I go back to the way it was and I get myself back into a tight bind. No, my intention is to continue to live frugally and put together some savings.

But...I sense a setback.

I've had a really shitty couple of weeks.  Work mostly.  I have talked on here about my boss "Dick" and our exploits.  I have only told you the stuff that was pretty vanilla.  They were still more that maybe a little exasperated tales but still not very worrying.

Well, this week our love/hate relationship went pro.  The {expletive removed} actually took credit for my work AND he told me about it.  Came right up to my office, sat on the corner of my desk (closest to me even...freaking geek) and told me that he told my client about the idea and she wants him to go.  MOFO....I hit the roof.  No...hit the roof was when he would ask me to fill out paperwork....no, this....I lit the fuck up...I was so angry at that moment that I just sat there and stared at him.  I will admit that I very happyily plotted his death for the next 2 hours and then I started calling people.  I was shaking for the rest of the day.  I put some time in with some paperwork.  I was kind of hoping that I was over reacting and I just needed to calm down.  But the few people I talked to agreed that I was right to be angry.

Of course, I did nothing about it.  But this week seemed to be Dick's job to stab Shannon in the back.  I worked late for most of the week and I just put my head down and took it.  But today...today I told the prick to do it himself.  Today, I told him what to do.  And today, I took a little bit of my pride back. 

Next week will be better because I've hit my limit.  I can no longer take his bullshit and lies.  I refuse to chuckle along when he makes remarks about how bored he is at his job.  And I will definitely no longer take his attitude. 

I have been looking for another job and as much as I hate to leave my company, I think it's time.  But in the meantime? I'm watching the little fucker and I'm taking notes.  That shit's gotta end.

So the setback comes in the form of anger which turns to depression which manifests itself in buying things and food.  Two things I do not want to go back to.  So, I guess, what do I do?  Start buying chewing gum and chew when I'm ready to start heating up a family portion of lasagna?  Do I wear a rubberband on my wrist and thwack myself when I want to buy a small fortune of diet coke?  I'm not sure I have the answers to this but I'm looking!

Next week is going to be different because it has to be...I can't do what I've been doing anymore. I'm missing out on life and friends. I want a life back.

Now I just need to find a way to work with Dick.

Santa's measuring stick

see more Sketchy Santas

I know where some people in my life fall. If you have to ask yourself which book you're in...you're probably a dick.

Thanks Tracy!

Getting a Happy Ending

I had a massage the other day from Massage Envy.  Well, Massage Envy did not give me a massage...one of their massage robots did it.  This instance, it was a guy giving the massage.  I was looking forward to this because it has been months since a massage. So I got naked and under the blankets.

This sounds kinky but since I'm not seeing anyone and hadn't for several years (other then the very short amount of time with Burke), I occasionally crave to be touched.  Not in a sexual way, but just in a need to be touched. The human touch is soothing sometimes.

Most of my massages are with women. I'm not opposed to being touched by a man giving me a massage but really I just prefer woman.  I think it's because when married, I would get massages from the ex as a means to "the happy ending" so my body responds to that. And I think I've had 3 massages from guys since the divorce. And none of them brought a happy ending.

But the Massage Envy guy didn't bring a response from me either because I think he fell asleep during the 90 minute massage.  You know when you are half asleep and come up from that, not all the way but just enough to be half aware of what you are doing? Then you come awake suddenly...This is what I think happened with him.  He was working on my feet and then just started to slow down and creeped to a stop.  Couple seconds go by and then he does that half awake thing because he'll just start doing a little rub on my heel and then stop moving.  It's at this point that I actually feel his hands start to relax and my foot starts to drop.  This immediately wakes him up and he's back awake.

He does this for the other foot too.  At one point, I shake my foot to get his attention.  Wakes him up and he continues to the leg and beyond. Out of the 90 minute massage, the back got about 60 minutes alone because I don't think he knew what he was doing.  He fell asleep during that time period a couple of times too.

Needless to say, I was not impressed and I told the front office too. I got a free 30 minute massage.  I'll use that later this month.

Now, my most recent 90 minute massage was a different story. The lady I had was awesome.  She spent those 90 minutes roughing me up.  She did all the right areas and all the right pressures.  But she evoked a reaction that I hadn't had for awhile.

My left hip (not on the side but the top) has always been a spot that I react to.  I'm not ticklish on my feet or sides.  I sometimes get goosebumps when someone breathes on my neck or ears but that is usually about it.  But my left hip, if massaged, touched or all other sundry actions...I get a little restless.  Hm....restless sounds weird but I don't think you'd like to hear that my heart rate quickens, my breathing gets heavier and I start to tingle.  Other things happen but suffice it to say that I get a little turned on.

This didn't happen with the guy but it happened with my new lady.  She was massaging my thighs and started getting a little close to the hip and Oh My God.

Now, I did not leap off the table and molest the lady but I did tense up a bit.  For the majority of the massage before this I was totally in la-la land.  I was in my head, but just calm and serene.  But the calm and serenity came to a screeching halt and I went into frazzled mode.  It lasted all of 2 or 3 minutes and then she moved down to my feet and back over to the next leg.

It took me a couple of minutes to relax but I did and I had a great massage overall.  She was, without a doubt, the best masseuse I have ever had. And that is NOT because I lost my head. There was no Happy Ending.  If there had, the tip would have been much much bigger...

But she's the masseuse for my next massage...so no pressure but I'm not going to shave my legs so she can't do my legs or thighs.  That's my talisman, if I shave, things happen.  Don't shave and I go home alone and watch Red Tube.com.

Shake it Up

So....as a result of being bipolar, I take a lot of medications. And unfortunately, I don't take just one or two. I take 16 pills throughout the day. Now, 4 of those are for something different. Like vitamins. So 12 are for being manic, being depressed and then being manic and depressed.


I have been on some of the same meds for years and I know that they work. If I were to stop taking them…I would probably not live very long. (Sounds so dramatic but it’s still the truth) To me, death is an option. It’s always been THE ANSWER for everything. I never saw the flip side of that argument. But it’s become less of an option today. It probably will always be an option. But I have came to a place in my life and found that I don’t want to die. So, in the need to stay alive, I take my pills. I don’t want to. I hate taking them. And, in my head, I keep thinking I’m doing better so why keep taking them. But I play the tape forward and I see the darkness for what it is.

And cost...holy crap balls. I don't have a deductible insurance plan thankfully, just copays. I have a flex spend account that I put $3,000 into every year to pay for doctors and medications. And I am sqeaking by with $3,000. My meds cost, on average, $225 a month. Then there are the med check appointments and therapist. Just getting a regular check up with my family practioner. All that gets down to the very bottom of the barrel and I typically have to come up with $50 or so at the end of the year. But it saves me so much money during the year because I'm not one of those people that can save money away for known expenses even.


Recently I had to add a drug to my arsenal and it has been HUGE for me. And kind of scared me when I started taking it because I saw it as a last ditch effort. I had gone manic for about 7 months at that point. I had never been manic for more than a couple of hours; maybe a few days. But to be manic for so long…I was running on fumes. And I didn’t see I was manic. My friend Crawford pointed it out to me and at that point I totally saw it. I immediately contacted my doctor and was put on a new med. My doc prescribed Lithium. Lithium is an "old" drug and one of the first drugs produced to help treat depression.

It still took another 3 months or so for me to get it under control. But when it did kick in, it was amazing. I felt this calm about me that was so cool. I wasn’t high nor was I low. I’m on this even plane where I don’t get riled up and I don’t get depressed. When I first started taking it, I thought I was depressed or a zombie but in reality it’s what normal feels like, I imagine. It’s so appealing to continue to take this drug for the rest of my life. Except 2 things…death and side effects.


This prescription is the only time my doctor has told me to absolutely stick to the prescribed amount because this will kill you. Part of me was amazed that she finally told me a dosage that would kill me. I ask her every time I change a drug what the dosage that could kill me be. Being a good doctor, she never told me. This time, with Lithium, she told me very specifically, do not take more then you are prescribed to take. I think that is what made me think this was a last ditch effort to help me. Of course, it isn’t. Lithium was just a drug in her arsenal that she was trying to see if I could come down. It helped immensely.

The 2nd reason I am cautious about taking it for the rest of my life are the side effects. With any medication, you have the potential to experience side effects. I read somewhere that one in four patients are plagued by side effects from prescription medications. I have not been that one in the past and is probably why I’m OK with taking all the pills I take for now. Its the fact that the pills are giving me a good life; that's why I take them.

But with Lithium, I'm getting side effects. And not just for the first few days but I am experiencing them since August. But in Lithium’s defense…it does post that you WILL experience 2 side effects. The 2 side effects are diarrhea and tremors.

I thought long and hard about what to talk about with diarrhea. And I’ve decided to spare you the vivid details but suffice it to say that diarrhea and I are "buddies" and it’s not every day for the most point; which is a good thing. But I'm not sure you need the details of that.

The tremors are interesting and something I have had to get used to. I get them every day, just with varying intensity. For the most part, I get up in the morning and it’s barely noticeable. Further into the morning and I start to shake. It starts to get bad around lunch. Around this time it then is decided what intensity it’s going to be. Some days are better than others. Today it is barely noticeable. Yesterday I couldn’t hold a cup to my mouth. I had to hold it with both hands and even then it was a bit “wiggly”. And people notice. More than I do. I’ve had people tell me that I’m shaking; either in a grocery store or in my AA meetings. People have definitely asked if I’m OK; if I had eaten. The concern is actually very nice and I typically just tell them that “I shake, I’m a shaker”. That seems to appease them. And it sounds kind of witty.

But I've essentially become a vibrator.