Nice little present

Came to work Monday and found that one of the 4 talkers at work has been moved to another location on our floor.  I don't know if this is a result of the disruption that they do or if someone asked to be moved or some other kind of political play....whatever reason why, I'm ecstatic.  The 3 left over still talk loud and inappropriately but that's about 1/3 of the time.  The other 2/3rds of the time is spent in quiet bliss....I haven't been this happy to be at work since the turning off of gas and subsequently no hot water or heat of 2004. It was fucking cold those 2 weeks.

Out of my over loving mind

I am going to snap pretty soon. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope in all aspects of my life. Work is going to send me back to the looney bin. The sheer amount of just non-work related talking and at the top of their lungs, is enough that I want to gouge an eye out. With a spork. I could give a shit about where Karen was a year ago (Disneyworld if you wanted to know). One of them pissed me right off and I am doing all I can to not hurdle over their cube walls and help her bounce her head off the desk 2 times. The old fart is talking loud because she can’t hear a god damn thing. And the poor Middle Eastern guy across from her is usually the target of her racist rantings. The admin has eaten about 17 carrots and made sure to snap them off and chew open mouthed over the last couple of hours. The lying of one of our contract managers is rampant this week and I’m tired of getting my ass handed to me by some of the divisions The two-faced one is having a fake sugary talk with someone and as soon as she hung up, informed me that he was a fucking dick head that knew shit about….you get the point. I was in the toilet when she came in one time and she was whispering to herself. Sounded a lot like fucking asshole, I’m going to fucking kill them. I’m not exaggerating about any of this. I know I’ve written about this before but it bears repeating myself. If for nothing else to prove to the authorities that I was justified in my leaping from the top of this building to stop the voices in my head start arguing with the idiots in my office.




It doesn’t take a lot to actually be out of my mind. I am a mental patient but a “high functioning” one. Whatever that means. I went to a bipolar support group when I was going through the divorce. I was floundering and was just desperate to find something where I felt like I belonged. I sat through that meeting absolutely high on fear. These people were hard core nuts. Most (like ¾) didn’t have a job. More were living with their parents. All thought this support group was intended for bitching and complaining and hooking up. I was so so fascinated with the dynamics within the group and of course saw all the ways I could fix these people. They were lazy and just not willing to be an active participant in their lives. I’m sure you can understand when I stopped going to the group after a few weeks because I was starting to gloat about how I’m better than them. Not to mention, I was “high functioning” and didn’t need this damn group. Sayonara dip shits! But I think that was a wake up call to me. I’m just a manic or depression episode away from living in my parent’s basement. I am not as concerned about my mental health as I am about my living situation. My parent’s basement is gross.



I think I’ve hit a crossroad. I’m absolutely disengaged at work. To the point that I’m half expecting a visit from HR and a promise that they’ll forward my personal belongs soon. While I worry about that a lot and it keeps me motivated to do at least the bare minimum, I think I would find it a relief if I were to find myself unemployed. Don’t get me wrong….I would be seriously fucked if I lost my job. I would have to break my lease, find a basement to move into (and one big enough for Crawford), make at least enough money to pay for the, hopefully cheap basement gig and car. I think it would be pleasant to not have to worry about big things like I do. I’m tired of making decisions and deadlines. I get up every morning knowing that I’m going to be yelled at and/or stabbed in the back. I don’t really take pride in my work anymore. This is all very strange to me because I was so incredibly engaged in my work until a year ago. I would work at night and weekends. I know the ex wasn’t very happy about that but it didn’t matter. I was important and I worked hard. Now, I’m out of my mind while at work. I check out and live in my head for 8 hours.



So, I had a therapy session yesterday and my cool therapist put me to the wall and gave me an assignment. She’s really good about calling me on my BS. I’ve been with her for years. And she knows me. Really knows me. I have an assignment and I have a time frame. I’m to email her Sunday and let her know what I’ve done and then I’m held accountable for what I do from there. I’m not the most consistent person, I tend to get really into it and then I slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) stop doing things. And I’m right back where I was originally only usually worse off. Something has to change and that something has to be me. I don’t want to live in a basement when I’m 37. Makes me feel like I haven’t done anything with my life.

I'm just working myself into a dead end and I don't want to start thinking about what my life is going to be like if I find myself sinking into a level where a basement apartment looks really fucking good.

Be a good girl and share

I'm going to have a roommate in a week.  And I'm excited about it for two reasons.  It's my BFF Crawford and she's paying me.  And it's a substantial amount of money that will help alleviate some of the financial issues I've been having but it helps her too.  She'll be paying less for rent now and that's going to help her too.

Now, I had a "roommate" incident when I first moved in here.  It lasted about 3 weeks (if even that) because she bugged the shit out of me.  In my defense, I was JUST getting sober and I was still dealing with my feelings around the divorce.  I'm talking 2 months after the divorce was final.  I wasn't prepared o deal with another person's issues. And she had issues.  She was doing things that I thought were unforgivable. I couldn't support her decisions. And she was ALWAYS in the living room.  I wanted to just veg and she was there. I wanted to watch TV, she was there.  And the last straw was she asked me if I could leave the house for several hours so she and her married lover could do it in every room in the house, including my bedroom.  I threw that last bit in there for effect. She would have kept the shagging to her bedroom I'm sure.

Now...fast forward 4 years and I'm going to have a room mate again and I'm going through all the pros and cons to determine if this is the right thing.

Pros
1. I will have someone at the house and thus someone to hang with. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to after work.
2. I will be more financially stable and better able to pay on past due bills BUT will also allow me the opportunity to splurge on things. For instance, I can buy a new pair of sunglasses. Willow broke mine last week and I need a new pair.  Or a new pair of jeans.  I've been wearing mine for a couple of years. time to get a new one.
3. I think this is an opportunity to eat better. If we go in together for groceries, then we cook and we eat real meals rather then fast food or frozen entrees.
4. Crawford is a great listener and everyone knows I like to talk.  This is a win win.
5. Dog sitting.  If I need to work late or leave town, she's a built in dog sitter. And vise versa for her dog.
6. I just really love her and want to help out as much as I can. She deserves a break.
7. Probably the most exciting is that we turned cable back on. It had been about 18 months since I had it turned off and because she tends to be home more then at work, she would need to be entertained. So I've already used the DVR to start recording several series and one off shows.  This is what I did last time but never watched.  I feel more dedicated to it now so I'm confident I'll watch it all the time.



Cons
1. By having so much extra money, I'll tend to shop.  This is something I'm going to have to really watch.  As a Pro - Crawford might be the perfect deterrent.  Maybe she'll step up and tell me to stop?
2. She'll be there all the time.  It's going to be weird to have someone present all the time.  Now I think this is a Con because of my first roommate.  I hope I've outgrown it.
3. Just as I'm lazy, so is she.  I don't want us to get lazier.
4. She'll irritate me so much that I want her gone and the only thing that she can do is stay as long as it takes to find money to move out.  But I really REALLY hope that is not the case.
5. I have to move most of the stuff out of my craft room and I have A LOT of stuff in there.  Some of it is going up to my bedroom upstairs but I can't get everything out.  So I'm going to be sharing the room with her. I'd love to give her more room but it's just not possible.


There is more but you get the gist of it.  I'm looking forward to this, I really am.  But it's going to be important that we be honest and up front.  I need to be more tolerate if I find myself irritated.  This is a great opportunity for the both of us.  We're talking about a couple of months but we've also talked about making it through the end of my lease (June 2012).  That's almost a year and then maybe we get a bigger place together.  Just throwing the idea around.

So, I really should be getting organized and moving all the craft stuff around.  I should be doing laundry and putting it away.  I should be doing a lot of things.  Instead, I'm watching The Big C on Showtime. We have it free for a month. I'm going to get as much watched as possible.  Then I'll start with the On Demand Movies...this is going to be a horrible mistake but you only live once and so enjoy cable when you can.

My mind plays tricks on me

I'm not sure why this happens but I know it's not just me that goes through this.  I know the lyrics to about 80% of the 80's music yet can't remember if I brushed my teeth.  It's like my memory is purging all information that it deems unnecessary.  And why 80's music is not  a shock; I love 80's music. I could play it all day. Which I did when I had satellite radio. I think I had XM satellite about 3 years and I think I changed the station from the 80's on 8 to another stations a handful of times.  And the channel I went to was Christmas music and so that tells you how often I changed.

I had to give up XM because I wasn't branching out to any other music genres.  I think my memory of the 80's music was because I tend to remember stuff put to music. I just absorb it better then written or reading learning.  And I love to listen to music because I love the stories music tells.

You see what happened there?  I forgot the reason for the post and just kind of went in a different direction.  I hate that that happens more often then I'd like.  It happens mostly at work so I look like an idiot when I struggle to answer a question because I either don't remember the conversation or I completely forget to do what it was I was asked to do.

And I try to write things down but I then forget to check my notebook.  I have to put things on my calendar so I can remember to do something but that's only as good as me remembering to put it on the calendar in the first place. So, setting a reminder on my calendar for me to just remind myself if there is something I should be doing.  That seems like overkill but I don't think that is a bad idea or at the least, a good place to start.

Maybe I need to find my own virtual tie a string around my finger. Once I get it in my calendar I'm golden.  I can set reminder alarms and that helps me get it back in my mind and can address. I just need to find a solution that involves figuring out how to remind me to put my notes in the calendar....maybe a reminder every day to put reminders in?  Spend an hour or two each day just going through my notes and see what I have to do.  That's probably going to take more time then necessary but it takes 21 days to  change or create a habit, right?  And it would be nice to have a system that works. Just about everything else in my life is run on spit and shoestrings, why not a cobbled together organizational process.

I haven't exhausted the options for memory enhancements, I haven't done hypnosis or visual cues.  Not that I'm opposed to them but a $1.00 notebook sounds a little more feasible to me.  And it shouldn't take very long to get something in place and just be consistent with it for a month, just to see if I can change a behavior. It does take motivation on my part to follow through but I suck at follow through and consistency.


So maybe that is what I start off with on the calendar.  Remind myself to be consistent, even if that means dismiss the siren on the phone - not snooze.  And as I get better with being consistent, I then start putting things on the calendar to remind me to actually put action items on my calendar and then move my way up to no longer needing the calendar alarm system; I've been able to start working on projects without reminders.  I'm not holding out hope that I'll be perfect but I think I can improve enough to make less work for myself.

OK, see...I kind of like the song albeit it's got a potty mouth.  But it's the video that won me over....My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me by Geto Boys

Cowboy's and Indian's

I may have touched on this briefly but I bought a gun about 4 months ago.  I had shot a gun once, several years before.  I have a picture of me holding it Charlie's Angels style and rocking it.  The gun scared the shit out of me and so I really only shot it a couple of times and gave it back to the ex.  I was not interested in it again until recently.

The ex has a gun and I talked him into going to a shooting range and let me shoot a couple of rounds.  And this time, I enjoyed it.  It was a bigger gun then I think I should have, it was hard to get my hands around, yes.  But it was also a touchy trigger and that scared me.  I was afraid I would kick off a shot just by pointing it away from me. I was a little nervous about that.  So I started thinking about whether or not I really should have a gun.  Try to suss out my motives.  Yes, part of the reason I wanted a gun was because I wanted one.  And I thought it would be cool to have one.  And I thought I might need protection.  This last reason was because I was starting to get nervous being alone.  It's not a good reason, mind you, but it was one of the reasons I started looking.  And I have to admit that I kind of wanted to look bad ass. Not a good reason for sure but I can't lie that it was one of the line items on my want list.

The gun I chose was more centered around price then anything. I knew I wanted a 9mm because of the size of the gun and accuracy.  I went to a gun show and found the Smith&Wesson Sigma. It was in my price range and came with an at least medium review.  Mostly it was around the trigger pressure and how it was really rough.    So I found one that I felt created a bond with me and gave me the ability to be sure I wanted to fire it.  I felt it allowed me to make that conscious decision to fire a weapon.  No accident about it.

And I have to admit that I just like how it looks.  I don't like pistols. I think they look too sissy.  I have heard that pistols are actually a better, more manageable gun.  Bit it looks silly to me and I didn't think anyone would take me seriously and I know from watching all those crime lord shows that the handguns are just cooler.  I like that I can pull back the slide and shut it with the click of the button, you know like they do in movies.  Now...that does not mean I think its cool and should play around with just because I can make it do what I see in movies and make me feel like a bad ass.  But to be honest, acting like a bad ass has a lot to do with it.  Most movies have the "kill shot" move and secretly I think a lot of us think it makes us look cool.  I can honestly say I have not tried that little move with my gun. I'm too sure I'll drop the sucker and shoot my eye out.

Going for the kill shot

There is a shooting range that offers free range fees on Wednesdays to all the ladies.  I usually go at noon so I can get there and back in time and still pop off a couple caps in your ass. But I cram a couple of bullets in the clips and ping off a couple of shots and then go back to work.  Taking me all of 10 minutes.  In talking with one of the guys at the shop, he suggested that I take some classes and at the least, take my time and enjoy the challenge of accuracy,

Although the real challenge is keeping my eyes open; squinting them closed as I pull the trigger.  Little wonder I was hitting the target about every 5th shot.  And never where I was aiming for.  Keeping my eyes open was a challenge.  It's squeezing my eyes shut and then hoping that I actually hit something close to where I thought I looked before shutting them.  I keep my eyes open about 2/3 of the time now.  But it takes a bit for me to figure out eye to aim from and still keep them open.  It'll take time and lots of bullets.

This is one of my best shooting attempts and done early on in my shooting.  I was so excited this day.  I had done nothing different, so I am still not sure how I came to hit 40 odd shots out of 50. That was a great day.

Lately, I can't hit the side of a barn.  I think I'm over thinking things and not breathing and all that crap. I shoot about 10 - 15 rounds and then go home because I refuse to waste more money on bullets when I'm hitting one or two of them. I'm getting frustrated.  So talking to one of the gun guys is going to help, I think.  I just have to take my time.  Slow down and breathe before pulling the trigger.

Now comes the Conceal and Carry.

I'm torn about whether or not to apply for one.  My ex tells me that its a bad idea because I'm more at risk of hurting myself then anything.  I agree with that.  I now that I would probably shoot myself in the foot then try to subdue an on-coming assailant.  

This could totally be me.