I've been saved

Now, I'm not ripping something off here. It was not the "rapture" prophecy that made that sentence cool.  I'm pretty sure I said something about being saved on here before this rapture thing came up today.  So, I'm the original one here.

But I do have to report on my dire situation.  I think people thought I was over exaggerating.  I kind of was but that was until the next day after my post and I realized that I was not fucked as I thought....no, I was SEVERELY TOTALLY COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY fucked.  I literally was struck dumb with what I found the next day.  I actually pulled the contract out and I was speechless.

So I was a little more in trouble then I thought.  And so I caved and I asked my Mom for help.  Which I hate to do.  I hate that I am 36 and she has to come bail me out.  This is where I was saved.

Now, I know we all (maybe its just me) have these things about our Mom's. I hate it when she's right. I hate it when I have to ask for help and I hate it when she doesn't mouth off.  Sounds strange, I know.  But that woman is calm, cool and collected; on average.  Just like everyone, she gets angry and hurt.  She just tends to hold it in.  Never the fighter.  Something I struggle with because I'm mouthy, I try to stay calm but tend to get my hackles raised and I don't have the ability to find money where there just doesn't seem to be.

My Mom has saved our family (both as a unit and as satellite units). We tease her that she is so cheap that she would make a wooden nickel buffalo poop.  We tease her about it a lot.  When, in reality, she has not only coasted her and my Dad through unemployment issues in the past but I probably owe that woman $10K.  She's forgiven most of that and has been nice as to let me make payments on the little amount I have now.  My Mom does that because she loves me.  I frustrate her I'm sure (I know) but she sets those things aside and is my Mom.



So...yes, I've been saved.  But not total good has come from this. I still have money issues.  I've still got bad behaviors.  But the thing that keeps me going is not that I know my Mom will bail me out again but that I've got an ally with her.  She wants me to succeed if for nothing else then to get paid back the couple grand I owe her.  She wants her money!!!!

So....because I'm not good with emotional thank you's (or really anything emotional) I want to express my utter, deepest, grateful and loving gratitude for my Mom Sherri.....

For being there when I was shy about asking questions because I just didn't know things.

Thank you for telling me that I was smart and worthwhile. 

  Thank you for coming over and spending time with me when I was at my lowest

For letting me yell at you and say things that I wish I never said and then letting me come back and apologize

And for all the other thousands of things I have said and done or not said or done....

 

Thanks Mom!

Worth Saving?

Do I need saving?  And I don't mean in a JC kind of saving but I guess do I need saving from myself?  I mean, like an intervention.  I've had a "mini" intervention and I like to think that went well.  But when is the next time coming?  I don't want to beg for these things...interventions should never be horrible although many times they are, but I think they should be positive.  What?  You say I'm not a good person and not good person for me to be around?  How can I change for you and do you promise to stick by me?  Then, yes, I think interventions are a good thing.  As long as I approve of what you're going to booby trap me with and that I get to go somewhere for help that serves Crab Legs, orange juice, an assortment of fruits I like and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Maybe some slight compromise but I would sign off on that. Sure...

So, why talking of interventions?  Mostly because it popped into my head as I was going back over this post and realized I kind of go in and out of topic on this one.  Shocking, I know, but I'm easily distracted and can (read WILL) make bad decisions.  Lately it's mostly around money.  But that, in and of itself, doesn't mean I need to be saved, right?  So what does it take to get saved?  In regards to me?

Ending up in a corner and having no one to go to becuase I need to find the right way of spinning this.  And that is kind of what I am doing here.  I'm testing my angles and possible results. I am always able to get around things without taking responsibility.  At 36....I am not a responsible adult.  And I tend to find myself in really bad situations. But I never go into them with the thought that I should probably run this through someone else or to ask questions that I never think of until after the fact or if someone asks if I thought to ask.  I'm rubbish with things like that.  Maybe because I just assume everything will take care of itself.  But this time, I don't think there is going to be a saving.

I have managed to get myself so far into debt that I'm not going to be able to buy a can of soda until closer to November.  And while I do exaggerate many times, this time is not me exaggerating.  This was all as a result of poor decisions on my part.  I do this all the time.  And I usually get by because I ask for help.  But not this time, because there is no one left to ask.  I have sucked my sources dry.  And even if I hadn't abused them, I would still have to learn my lesson somehow.  And now is as good of time as any.

So, I know I'm resourceful and I can do problem solving and I've already started that.  I have started on the plan of action and I'm going to try to figure out ways to cut money. Some of that means that the loans I have with people (which I am eternally grateful for) are going to go unpaid for a few months.  This is unfair of me and I'm going to make apologies (not promises) and explain to them what I am going to be able to do in the future.

This is a good opportunity for me to recreate my lifestyle into one that is more realistic.  No more Starbucks and no more soda's from the cafeteria (or anywhere really). I'm going to become a pro at grocery shopping and keeping or coming under my budget.  Going places that would 1) allow me to spend money or 2)is not necessary to my budget is going to be cut.  Thus, hopefully, cutting down on my gas budget.  I have so much money budgeted a month for gas and groceries and its going to be interesting to see what I can return to the account for the next month's allocations.  I see this as an adventure not a burden.  Or at least that is how I see it for now.  Give me a weekend (that's about all I have left of soda) and I'll be literally screaming because I'm going through caffeine withdraw.

So, let's hope I learn my lesson and see this as an opportunity to literally change my way of thinking. I'm going to either get this right in my head and have a real life changing moment or I'm going to struggle for the next 6 months and end up alienating friends, family, all my friends on FB and those horrible people at work (their not horrible....maybe this life altering situation will change them in my eyes....I'm not holding out hope) because I have worn out my welcome and they want me to stay at my house and they'll come see me when I have come to my senses.

If you feel like giving me an intervention, my schedule is pretty wide open but don't let that fool you.  I'm sure I'm going to need to start taking reservations before too long.  And there will only be a $20 reservation fee....so book soon.