Something to consider

Living on the Edge

I don't live my life on the edge.  Not even 2 steps from the edge.  I'm a "safety first" kind of girl.  I don't accessorize with goggles and hard hat but I do keep my heart away from people.  I don't make eye contact in case someone actually wants to look me in the eye.  I make sure I have exit routes from conversations and I don't invest in the pricey hair cuts, jeans or shoes that may make me look approachable.

I tuck my head down and do as little as possible investing in relationships. Not for lack of trying to have a relationship because it would be nice to have one in the next 50 or so years.  Even if it's a mail order husband from Cuba. Though they tend to be small and I like my men big and burly.

All these precautions are so I don't get hurt.  I have never really put myself out there so I could meet people (friend or otherwise) and so it's my own fault.

Drinking got me boyfriends, missing clothing, hangovers, unpaid bills and a husband.  Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into.  I can be very convincing. But drinking never gave me confidence the next morning or the day after that.  And any confidence I did have was quickly drained away when my bipolar stinkin' thinkin' started telling me I was a piece of shit; ugly, fat and stupid.

As I've gotten older, I've definitely been able to call bullshit on my inner voices. I know that I'm not that bad. I have some redeeming qualities but not enough to get me out of my head.

So danger....I want to live dangerously. I'd really like to be one of those people that will get a wild hair and find myself diving off a bridge but anyone who knows me knows that I just could not relinquish that much control to something like that.  To chance...

But I think, if I'm going to find happiness I'm going to have to take that chance.  I guess I thought that moving 60+ miles West, I was going to just fall into something different and life changing. And it has been life changing but not enough to find a partner. I've changed careers, friends and hairstyles and I still can't get a date. I fear my role in life is to be the mother figure and asexual. 

Ghost in the closet

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Tick Tock goes the Clock

Since I quit my job and moved to a different city, my health has actually taken on a whole new outlook. True, I'm off my meds and that scares me. I shouldn't say off my meds. I take them every couple of days instead of every day. Mostly because I only have a 3 month supply and if I get a job, it'll be 3 months before I would get insurance. IF they give me insurance. AND this is IF I find one very very soon.  So, I've been self medicating and only taking my pills every few days.

On the upside - I really don't feel like I'm in danger of crashing and burning. I truly do think that I'm in a good state mentally.  With that said, I'm not a good judge of that. So I'm depending on others to keep me honest.

Health-wise now... I'm feeling like a real person for a change. I don't have bathroom issues like I used to. And let me clarify that...I don't sit on a toilet for hours out of my day; every day. I still get headaches but nowhere near the frequency I used to and now, I can sleep them off with no guilt that I'm missing work.

But one thing I have noticed that I don't like is the sleeping. When I was on regular pills for the bipolar, I slept. Sometimes for 10+ hours a day.  And never felt refreshed in the morning so I would have to take a stimulant to get going.  Now, I have the exact opposite issue. I'm sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night and never in a row. I can get about 45 minutes to an hour down but then I'm awake and rolling around in bed for another hour to 90 minutes.  But I wake up refreshed; with only taking a nap in the afternoon very infrequently.

Then there are the bad nights. Nights where I don't sleep AT ALL. I used to do this every so often while on my meds. But the next day would be hell. I couldn't control my body temperature, my nose ran all the time and I constantly felt like I was going to fall out of my skin at any given moment. I did not like missing sleep while on my pills.

Off the pills, I will probably go a night or two a week with no sleep and not really have any side effects the next day.  On a rare occasion (like tonight), I won't be able to get to sleep the next night either.  And I'll have to resort to taking something for sleep the 3rd night to just get to sleep.  Those are the times I hate because I feel so drugged the next day.  Tonight, I've been up for over 38 hours and I don't think I'm going to be able to get to sleep tonight naturally.  I've tried meditating but then laid in bed for 45 minutes before giving up and getting on here.  I'm sipping herbal "Night Night" tea as I type.

While my body probably shouldn't be without sleep this long, I have to say that I am getting shit done.  I've lived here almost 2 months now and I finally got all unpacked last night.  I've been settled since the first couple of weeks but I still had a lot of boxes hanging around and I just didn't feel like getting into them.  Last night, I busted them out and then some.  Here is why I don't mind not sleeping every so often:

Last night I did the following:
1. Unpacked 4 boxes and put everything away.
2. Went through entire closet and took out all clothes that no longer fit or I don't want them anymore.
3. I hung up all my laundry that I did about a week and a half ago.
4. Put together laundry to be done the next day
5. Organized my paperwork for my new business
6. Did a load of dishes in the sink and in the machine
7. Scrubbed the tub and toilet
8. Took a long shower and shaved
9. Watched 3 movies
10. Laid out all the pictures I wanted on the wall and prepared to do them during the day
11. Put together a list of To Do for the next day
12. Painted my toes

You get the picture.  I was busy and I felt great. I actually really hoped that I would work myself so hard last night and today that I would actually have to drag my butt to bed tonight and barely make it there. Now, I don't know that I have ever done that but it sure sounds nice. And its amazing what you can get done if you use the entire 24 hours in a day. I actually had some down time and didn't want to waste it watching TV so I picked up one of the 14 books I have checked out from the library and read for an hour or two.

During the day, today, I did a huge To Do list of 14 things and then some.  I started to droop around 9:30pm and crawled into bed.  Only to lay there until almost 11pm before giving up and getting up.  I'm exhausted but just not sleepy.  The weird thing is that I actually feel fine right now. I feel like I could go get a lot of other things done and still be OK the next day but I really just don't want to do that.  I want to sleep.

And I guess it boils down to the fact that I feel cheated. I would give my left nut to be able to just drift off to sleep fairly soon after laying down and sleep a nice restful sleep throughout the entire night.  Instead, I sleep the sleep of the dead for those 45 minutes every 90 minutes or so and wake up cramped and feeling like all the joints in my body are under a low throbbing magnet and it always feels like I can't find that right spot to lay in.  I spend most of my day massaging my neck, shoulders and elbows because I can't sit still; they feel restless and discontent (sound familiar?).

My fear is that there is something wrong and I need to go to the doctor. But, since no job and then no insurance, I'm left with nothing I can do other then down large amounts of Alleve/Advil, lay on the couch with a heating pad on one of those areas for hours on end and buying those sticky heat pads so I can walk around and leave the house.

So, I'm going to sign off with the hopes that at this exact time (12:22am CST) I will be able to go lie down and go to sleep. I've been up since 9am Tuesday morning.  I've drunk a large cup of some crappy herbal tea that touts it's to help you sleep. I'll eat my words tomorrow if it works; and then go buy it in bulk.

Night Night

Catch Up

Sometimes I think I should just shut this down because 1 of 2 things are probably true. 1)No one actually reads these and 2)I talk about the dumbest shit sometimes.  I find this to be cathartic most of the time. I like to think that I have SOME funny things to say and maybe a lessons learned....but most of the time I just feel like writing about something and getting it out of my head.  Today is a bit of both.

A couple of weeks ago my Mom gave us a scare.  She exhibited symptoms of a stroke.  Just lost memory of a whole previous week.  She vomited on the way to the hospital.  Didn't know what the date or year was.  Thought her father was still alive.  Very scary things.

My Dad called me after some of the tests came back negative and explained to me what had happened.  He was trying to stay calm and keep me calm too but it was not working and I ended up sitting on the floor in WalMart because I was starting to freak out.  Needless to say I ignored my Dad's commands to just wait til morning and then come over to Topeka.  I made it in less then an hour to the hospital.  I spent a few days there and then went home.  Ends up that she just has high blood pressure and they felt that that was why she showed symptoms of a stroke. Either way, she's on meds, exercise and regular doctor's appointments.

But this scared me.  I love my parents but I also love to poke fun at them and at their expense.  Most kids do it to some degree so I feel safe in the knowledge that it is normal.  But joking aside, I love my parents very much and really have come to depend on them. Their support, love and money for the toll road.  And without them, I would be lost around getting a square meal or 4 in a month, the occasional tank of gas and lots of kidding about sleeping in on the weekends.  

Now, I'm 37 years old. I should be self sufficient and for the most part I am.  But the free gas, dinners and entertainment is not something I can turn down.  I mean really.  But I do feel like I've regressed to an early 20's female.  I have managed to run out of money each 2 weeks.  I don't have a relationship so am not emotionally invested with someone other then my weird dog Willow.  I lean on my ex-husband to help me make decisions on things that would allow me to become more independent.  I have managed to run off friends because I am slow to respond to things because I'm engrossed in something "important" at the time and just forgot.  And I've managed to turn my desire to excel at a job to an almost dismal zero.

I hate my job. I've been with the company almost 12 years and I started off strong and got stronger until about 2 years ago. Now this is going to sound like an excuse but I got a new boss 2 years ago and from then on I've coasted and coasted and just about burned.  I hate my job.  And this is so forgien to me, I used to adore my job. nights, weekends, all times of the day and night.  It was important to me to be a hard worker, to go above and beyond and to do it right the first time.

Now, there is no passion in my job. I don't work nights and weekends and I have no pleasure from the end results in my work.  I'm a nothing and I'm completely hallowed out.  

Lots of reasons for this and none of them important to this tale but suffice to say, I've checked out.  And I'm not doing me any favors and definitely not my company.  But this has given me the idea to do something different.  And this leads me back to the story above.  I want to make sure that my Mom (and Dad) are taken care of and are well and I feel like I can't do that from here.  I can't be available as easily.  So, I came to a decision.  I'm going to quit my job and move to Topeka (about 80 minutes away).  And I do realize how much that sounds like an excuse and I hate that.

I have been looking for a job here in Overland Park, KS for about 9 months. Its been a hard search with NO results. Finding a job here is going to be close to impossible.  But I started thinking that finding a job somewhere else may have a better result.  So I started thinking about where.  Alaska came up on the list. As did Colorado.  North Carolina....But when Mom's issue happened, Topeka rose to the  top.

Topeka has about 125,000 people in it (as says Dad) and my parents know about 1/3 of them it seems like.  Topeka is not a great city or culture center but what they do have going for them is their standard of living is about 1/2 of what Johnson County is.  I can afford to be in Topeka better then Overland Park. And by knowing so many people, I kind of hope that my parent's connections may benefit me.

So....decision made. Parents are fighting it a bit and I think its more the job situation then me being there although I'm still not 100% on that.  But I have an apartment picked out and all I have to do is put the money down.  And decide on a date.

And job-wise....my current job has been given notice (as of today) and we're discussing the date for effective.  I have several days I need off and that way warrant them just making the date effective immediately.  But this is a huge weight off my shoulders. I've absolutely HATED working there for the last 6 months or so.  It was effecting my health; both mental and physical.

Finding a new job is going to be hard.  Mainly because it's Christmas for the next 2 weeks and no one is probably hiring but I'm putting out resume's and asking for interviews. I'm going to make a ton less then I make now but that's to be expected in Topeka.  I actually look forward to the less responsibilities and not having to spend hours making decisions that ultimately someone else would change.  Frustrating to be working in the corporate environment that lends itself to politics and rework.  

My goal is to be in an apartment by the middle of January.  That means a whole lot of packing and purging over the next month.  And I should have the time to do so....

I guess this sounds like I'm running away from something and that I'm burying my head in the sand but in reality, this is me saving myself. I need to start over and I need to learn to do it the right way now.  I need to find myself (<~~~cheesy, I know.....)

Wish me luck, I need it and I need to know you hope that for me. Don't give up on me, I really think this is best for me. And come see me. It's just a trip up the interstate and I'd be glad to show you all the WalMart people that show up in your in-box.  I feel pretty confident that some of the ones I see in Topeka will make this website.

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