I don't have kids...in the normal sense. When I was married, my job as a wife was to pop out children for our family. My ex is the only male in his family and there are no other cousins that will be having children. So, that was a lot of pressure. Totally self induced pressure. His family was NEVER the type to put pressure on us. I was blessed with awesome in-laws. They are really good people and I’m lucky to still be able to have them in my life; 3 years after the divorce.
But when we got married I never thought about children. I mean, I never thought about getting married either. I was not one of those girls that had their wedding planned out in their heads. I didn’t have the Monica binder with pictures and fabric swatches or anything. I wasn’t even sure that I liked being with someone. Most of that was part of my bipolar issues. I never saw life any further down the line then a month or so. I just never planned ahead like that. I’ll plan a party or a business function but my life was completely mapless.
We never “not tried” to get pregnant, it was just not something we discussed. So when the ex and I were married about a year, I decided that I needed to go to the doctor because nothing had happened. Typically doctors want you to try a year without any kind of medical help. Well we had been involved for a total of 2 years at that point so the doctor thought it would be wise to try some fertility treatments. We then spent the next 2 years going through treatments, procedures and dollars. And the end result was that I was infertile. Completely. Nothing could make me pregnant.
I was devastated. I wanted children so bad at that time that I was heartbroken. But I still held out hope. The doctors tell me I have less than ¼ of 1 percent chance of getting pregnant on my own and that number was arrived at only because I demanded a number. “Not at all” was not allowed. So I held out hope. And every time I was a day late…I was excited. I would get pregnancy tests and pee like the wind. And they were all negative. As I should have expected. But I still held out hope…
So I did what I needed to do to get over that. I got my tubes tied. I had to go through several doctors before they would do it. A lot of doctors don’t want to do tubal ligations on women that have never had kids, regardless of their fertility. I was 31 when I got my tubes tied and I have not regretted it one day. It took out that hope that I had each month. It took that heartache out of the equation. I did not have to get so wrapped up in something that would just end in tears. I couldn’t do it.
I WANTED children. Of course, it happens to a lot of us. When you can’t have something? That’s when you want it more. And I wanted to have what I couldn’t. I was going to be a horrible mother but I didn’t think past getting pregnant. All I focused on was the process (which the ex liked) and the treatments. But once I had my tubes tied and the decision was done, I was at peace. I think I would have been a very selfish, self centered and borderline abusive parent. I know people will try to tell me different but I think I know me pretty well and I truly believe I would not have been a good mother.
I think that I may have started the damage to the marriage at this point. I think I took an option away from the ex that I should have been more aware of. I did it because I was hurting and I needed to make sure I was OK. I did talk to the ex about it but it was more along the lines of me telling him instead of asking him. I did that a lot. I told rather than asked. It’s a character defect of mine.
During the divorce I was so grateful to not have children. I couldn’t imagine going through that with little ones. And I struggled through the divorce. I barely made it through that. And that’s no joke. I really did not think I was going to live through that. And the divorce was amiable. We were friendly through it and I was sure I was going to die. But if I had kids? I’m not sure what would have happened.
And after the tubal ligation? I wondered why I was so hell bent on getting pregnant because as soon as I had my tubes tied I wanted nothing to do with children. Not that it was a reminder to me that I couldn’t have them but rather I just didn’t find any maternal feelings towards them. I love my nieces and I love my friend’s kids. But other people’s kids drive me batty. And all of them in small doses…I’m not a great auntie because I have about an hour threshold and then I’m getting irritated and starting to think about ways to trip the kids so they start crying and I can sneak out while the parents are calming them down. Now I would never be the type to pinch kids so they’ll be quiet…I’ll just smack them across the back of the head and scream at them. That gets their attention better.
So I’ll never be a mom and I’m really OK with that. I don’t have the depression around not having some demon seed growing in my belly. I don’t mind sleeping hours longer than other women or men get to sleep with children. I like the ability to go to a restaurant and talk to the other person without having to umpire between the children and the other people at the restaurant. I am not going to ever wish I was able to take a screaming, crying and probably puking thing into a store with me and let it run amok around the aisles because it’s better than dealing with them at home. Nope, I’m not going to miss that.
I will enjoy taking my nieces to get their nails and toes done. I will enjoy going over to my friend’s house and plying them full of sugar and shaking their children up (figuratively, not really) and then going back to my nice little quiet house and read a book or take a nap. Yep, I’ll enjoy that.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
People at work
There are a bunch of ladies that sit in my area that I swear, spend 75% of their time talking to each other or talking to their friends/family on the phone. At the top of their lungs. I don’t know how many times I have had to put my headphones on and just listen to music or literally go to a conference room and do work.
Now, I’m not one to call the hall monitor. I take advantage of things at work too. I'll make personal calls. But I use my inside voice. I'll steal the occasional post-it note pad or pen. Hell, I've even stolen some hours by leaving early and just going home. All things that are "acceptable" forms of stealing from work. Right?
But these people are stealing my patience. I mean it; I really have no patience left over at the end of the day. Sometimes even before lunch!
I am tired of hearing about vacation plans; I don't want to hear about purchasing new beds. I want no kind of knowledge about the state of your teenage son’s armpits and the 3 wiry hairs that are growing in it. I don't need to know those things. But I’m helpless sometimes. Sometimes I cannot tune these women out.
I also do not want to piss any of these women off because they will chew me up and spit me out. I swear, I think some of them have actually swiveled their head all the way around like the exorcist. They scare the shit out of me sometimes because they'll put on their Mommy mode and I'm suddenly a threat to the nation. I have heard some of them being the nicest things I have ever heard and within 6.2 seconds they have turned into Medusa and are on the warpath. I’m afraid for my physical being when I’m around them during their “monthly” time.
I purposefully do not share personal information at work. Most people didn’t even know I was going through a divorce 3 years ago. They actually thought I was getting married when I changed my name. I had to explain to a lot of people that “Yes, I actually had been married” and “Yes, to a human being”. Most people do not know me at work. And that is on purpose. I do not feel the need to share my intimate personal details with people that I have to spend 9-10 hours with every day of the week. I do not want my personal life on display at work. And that is what they do. They bring all their shit from home to work and want to talk about it AD INFIMITUM. I do not want to know more than the fact that you have children or married (and I really don’t care to know even that). Please don’t tell me about your intimate dealing with your spouse. I DO NOT want to know about the crud your child has coming out of his or her nose. I don’t care what your mother-in-law thinks of you. I really do not want to know what you had for dinner last night. Please let me get my work done and leave me alone.
That’s another thing. Because I don’t have kids, I get so much shit for being sick. These women will miss days of work because their petri dishes of children are having a headache. They have to stay home for the breeders but if I get sick I get shit for being out for a day and not checking my email. What is up with that? If I had children it would be OK for me to stay work from home. Where is that right?
But I can’t say any of that. When they stop in and want to just chat…I have to turn away from my computer. I have to put on my interested face. I get to listen to them go on and on and I have to nod and grunt in the right spots. I get to be indignant with them. “How dare he say that…dick” I get to know things about them that I swear I would burn my eyeballs out for having to know. And in the past? I wouldn’t have done any of that. I wouldn’t have even been approached. Everyone knew the ice queen was not someone who did small talk. There was a wide berth around my area. Not a lot of foot traffic by me. But over the last 3 years, I’ve mellowed. I will ask the occasional leading question. I don’t care to know the answer but I know it’s expected of me to ask. I have perfected the head nod and the occasional indignation in their defense. I’m better about keeping track of their kids and spouses. I’m better about it in general and that’s good. Because I can be replaced in an instant at this job and I think they would be happy to escort me from the building.
Now, I’m not one to call the hall monitor. I take advantage of things at work too. I'll make personal calls. But I use my inside voice. I'll steal the occasional post-it note pad or pen. Hell, I've even stolen some hours by leaving early and just going home. All things that are "acceptable" forms of stealing from work. Right?
But these people are stealing my patience. I mean it; I really have no patience left over at the end of the day. Sometimes even before lunch!
I am tired of hearing about vacation plans; I don't want to hear about purchasing new beds. I want no kind of knowledge about the state of your teenage son’s armpits and the 3 wiry hairs that are growing in it. I don't need to know those things. But I’m helpless sometimes. Sometimes I cannot tune these women out.
I also do not want to piss any of these women off because they will chew me up and spit me out. I swear, I think some of them have actually swiveled their head all the way around like the exorcist. They scare the shit out of me sometimes because they'll put on their Mommy mode and I'm suddenly a threat to the nation. I have heard some of them being the nicest things I have ever heard and within 6.2 seconds they have turned into Medusa and are on the warpath. I’m afraid for my physical being when I’m around them during their “monthly” time.
I purposefully do not share personal information at work. Most people didn’t even know I was going through a divorce 3 years ago. They actually thought I was getting married when I changed my name. I had to explain to a lot of people that “Yes, I actually had been married” and “Yes, to a human being”. Most people do not know me at work. And that is on purpose. I do not feel the need to share my intimate personal details with people that I have to spend 9-10 hours with every day of the week. I do not want my personal life on display at work. And that is what they do. They bring all their shit from home to work and want to talk about it AD INFIMITUM. I do not want to know more than the fact that you have children or married (and I really don’t care to know even that). Please don’t tell me about your intimate dealing with your spouse. I DO NOT want to know about the crud your child has coming out of his or her nose. I don’t care what your mother-in-law thinks of you. I really do not want to know what you had for dinner last night. Please let me get my work done and leave me alone.
That’s another thing. Because I don’t have kids, I get so much shit for being sick. These women will miss days of work because their petri dishes of children are having a headache. They have to stay home for the breeders but if I get sick I get shit for being out for a day and not checking my email. What is up with that? If I had children it would be OK for me to stay work from home. Where is that right?
But I can’t say any of that. When they stop in and want to just chat…I have to turn away from my computer. I have to put on my interested face. I get to listen to them go on and on and I have to nod and grunt in the right spots. I get to be indignant with them. “How dare he say that…dick” I get to know things about them that I swear I would burn my eyeballs out for having to know. And in the past? I wouldn’t have done any of that. I wouldn’t have even been approached. Everyone knew the ice queen was not someone who did small talk. There was a wide berth around my area. Not a lot of foot traffic by me. But over the last 3 years, I’ve mellowed. I will ask the occasional leading question. I don’t care to know the answer but I know it’s expected of me to ask. I have perfected the head nod and the occasional indignation in their defense. I’m better about keeping track of their kids and spouses. I’m better about it in general and that’s good. Because I can be replaced in an instant at this job and I think they would be happy to escort me from the building.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Pinching Pennies
I keep thinking someone is going to sweep in and save me. From what you ask? Myself. Because on my own, I can talk my way out of anything. I can justify this food, that purse, oh my...those shoes...
believe me, I can tell myself anything and I'm pretty good about telling YOU why I have to have these things. What I'm even better at is hiding these things. I have this nagging voice in my head all the time but I have strangled that person so much that I barely hear a peep out of her. I also talk loud so I can talk over that voice. It's pretty sad that I'm abusive to even the voices in my head. It's a wonder they haven't stopped talking to me already.
So I have credit card debt, I'm 30 pounds over weight and I have projects out the ass that I just assume someone is going to fix for me.
It’s come to this about money…I am fat ass broke…I have a couple of outstanding bills that I have to come up with in the next month and I don’t have it all. I’m going to have to borrow money from my mom, which is embarrassing because I’m going to be 36 and I owe my mom some major money. And I have started to do what I can about the credit card debt. I am being proactive about it. It means I’m going to have to cut WAY back on things. No weekly trips to the thrift shops. No Starbuck’s every day. I’m going to use the library and my Netflix for entertainment. No more eating out all the time. It means planning meals and lists when I go to the grocery store. All things I was not doing. So, no wonder I’m in debt
I bought this little magazine/book that was by the registers at the grocery store about getting out of debt. I do not argue the fact that it was 1) an impulse purchase which is what I struggle with 2) that I spent money on a book that tries to tell me to not spend money and 3) I barely read it at the time. But I picked it up the other day and read it and saw all the signs that they listed as someone who is an impulse shopper. Maybe even a shopaholic. And I don’t mean that to be funny. I really do think I have a shopping addiction. I feel great when I buy something. It gives me a buzz. Look how cute this is, I know exactly where I’m going to put that, Oh, that would be a great gift for someone….These are all excuses that I use in my head. And I know people are constantly amazed at how often I have bought thing. Most people have been too nice to say anything and so I continue to do it. But I have a few people saying things and I’m starting to listen. It’s just like with my drinking. I never see that I have a problem until someone points it out to me. Then it becomes glaringly obvious. And I get angry because I lie to myself about these things. When I’m “caught” I can no longer ignore the misgivings I had in the back of my head already. I’m very good about tuning my head out. Because I don’t want to deal with things or can’t handle that I’m not in control. Which is the case most of the time. I want to control everything but I’m willing to let things happen as they should but really that’s me being lazy.
One part in the book that grabbed my attention and hence this mad scramble to make things right; is if you think someone is going to come in and save you so you don’t have to do deal with any of these issues now, then you might have a problem. I totally think that. . It’s going to take a few months to get to a point where I’ve got some fun money but even then I’m going to have to be really smart with my money because I’m not going to meet a millionaire who is going to just pay everything off and I’m going to be sitting in the lap of luxury. I’m always sure that I’ll get out of this somehow because I can’t do this on my own. Well, like I stated above, I’m going to be 36…it’s time for me to be an adult. I’m single with no prospects on the horizon to get involved with someone and possibly get married any time soon, so it’s up to me to handle my shit. And so that is where I am right now.
I have to consolidate my debt and make monthly payments. It means I’ll be out of debt in 21 months. Which is about 1/8 of what it would take if I just did minimum payments. This means a pretty hefty amount of money I pay them in one chunk for all my credit cards. I tried a few different options to get this taken care of. I didn't have enough debt for one option. They actually told me that if I could rack up a little more debt, then they could give me lower rates with a settlement. I really don't want to settle the accounts for less then I owe. That really reflects negatively on my credit report. But what I'm going to be doing is paying all of it off , minus interest, and closing the accounts. Which still reflects negatively on my credit report. But it's not an option to get more debt at this point so I'm settling for the most expensive option of the consolidation but it kind
But also, I am so low on cash for the next two months that I can’t do anything extra outside of my regular bills. This is my first test. I'm only going to use cash for things. Even gas, which is going to be hard. I don't like having to walk into the convenience store to put money on a pump. I think it is trashy because people can't use their cards but have to get all their cash together and can only do so much gas. You know, I can only afford 5 dollars so I'll put that on pump 6 and then only get to drive around so much. But that's my prejudice talking there. I am now going to be that person because I can't afford to just keep my debit card in my purse because I'll fill up the tank and while it's pumping away, I'll go in and get a soda and maybe a hot dog/chocolate/ice cream. That's another $4 or $5 that I don't need but also can't afford. So it means I'm a cash person. God willing, I won't get mugged with all the cash I'm going to start carrying around.
For now, I’m focusing on the money, because the money is more urgent then my need to lose 30 pounds. If I can’t get this money thing under control, then I’ll lose weight after all. If I can’t afford more than Ramen, I’m going to get some of this fat off! :)
So, my life as the social butterfly is coming to an end. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s time that I find the level of social status that fits my budget. So, to all my friends and family out there...if I say no to an invite...it's not you, it's me! And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to visit you...I have the budget to think about.
believe me, I can tell myself anything and I'm pretty good about telling YOU why I have to have these things. What I'm even better at is hiding these things. I have this nagging voice in my head all the time but I have strangled that person so much that I barely hear a peep out of her. I also talk loud so I can talk over that voice. It's pretty sad that I'm abusive to even the voices in my head. It's a wonder they haven't stopped talking to me already.
So I have credit card debt, I'm 30 pounds over weight and I have projects out the ass that I just assume someone is going to fix for me.
It’s come to this about money…I am fat ass broke…I have a couple of outstanding bills that I have to come up with in the next month and I don’t have it all. I’m going to have to borrow money from my mom, which is embarrassing because I’m going to be 36 and I owe my mom some major money. And I have started to do what I can about the credit card debt. I am being proactive about it. It means I’m going to have to cut WAY back on things. No weekly trips to the thrift shops. No Starbuck’s every day. I’m going to use the library and my Netflix for entertainment. No more eating out all the time. It means planning meals and lists when I go to the grocery store. All things I was not doing. So, no wonder I’m in debt
I bought this little magazine/book that was by the registers at the grocery store about getting out of debt. I do not argue the fact that it was 1) an impulse purchase which is what I struggle with 2) that I spent money on a book that tries to tell me to not spend money and 3) I barely read it at the time. But I picked it up the other day and read it and saw all the signs that they listed as someone who is an impulse shopper. Maybe even a shopaholic. And I don’t mean that to be funny. I really do think I have a shopping addiction. I feel great when I buy something. It gives me a buzz. Look how cute this is, I know exactly where I’m going to put that, Oh, that would be a great gift for someone….These are all excuses that I use in my head. And I know people are constantly amazed at how often I have bought thing. Most people have been too nice to say anything and so I continue to do it. But I have a few people saying things and I’m starting to listen. It’s just like with my drinking. I never see that I have a problem until someone points it out to me. Then it becomes glaringly obvious. And I get angry because I lie to myself about these things. When I’m “caught” I can no longer ignore the misgivings I had in the back of my head already. I’m very good about tuning my head out. Because I don’t want to deal with things or can’t handle that I’m not in control. Which is the case most of the time. I want to control everything but I’m willing to let things happen as they should but really that’s me being lazy.
One part in the book that grabbed my attention and hence this mad scramble to make things right; is if you think someone is going to come in and save you so you don’t have to do deal with any of these issues now, then you might have a problem. I totally think that. . It’s going to take a few months to get to a point where I’ve got some fun money but even then I’m going to have to be really smart with my money because I’m not going to meet a millionaire who is going to just pay everything off and I’m going to be sitting in the lap of luxury. I’m always sure that I’ll get out of this somehow because I can’t do this on my own. Well, like I stated above, I’m going to be 36…it’s time for me to be an adult. I’m single with no prospects on the horizon to get involved with someone and possibly get married any time soon, so it’s up to me to handle my shit. And so that is where I am right now.
I have to consolidate my debt and make monthly payments. It means I’ll be out of debt in 21 months. Which is about 1/8 of what it would take if I just did minimum payments. This means a pretty hefty amount of money I pay them in one chunk for all my credit cards. I tried a few different options to get this taken care of. I didn't have enough debt for one option. They actually told me that if I could rack up a little more debt, then they could give me lower rates with a settlement. I really don't want to settle the accounts for less then I owe. That really reflects negatively on my credit report. But what I'm going to be doing is paying all of it off , minus interest, and closing the accounts. Which still reflects negatively on my credit report. But it's not an option to get more debt at this point so I'm settling for the most expensive option of the consolidation but it kind
But also, I am so low on cash for the next two months that I can’t do anything extra outside of my regular bills. This is my first test. I'm only going to use cash for things. Even gas, which is going to be hard. I don't like having to walk into the convenience store to put money on a pump. I think it is trashy because people can't use their cards but have to get all their cash together and can only do so much gas. You know, I can only afford 5 dollars so I'll put that on pump 6 and then only get to drive around so much. But that's my prejudice talking there. I am now going to be that person because I can't afford to just keep my debit card in my purse because I'll fill up the tank and while it's pumping away, I'll go in and get a soda and maybe a hot dog/chocolate/ice cream. That's another $4 or $5 that I don't need but also can't afford. So it means I'm a cash person. God willing, I won't get mugged with all the cash I'm going to start carrying around.
For now, I’m focusing on the money, because the money is more urgent then my need to lose 30 pounds. If I can’t get this money thing under control, then I’ll lose weight after all. If I can’t afford more than Ramen, I’m going to get some of this fat off! :)
So, my life as the social butterfly is coming to an end. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s time that I find the level of social status that fits my budget. So, to all my friends and family out there...if I say no to an invite...it's not you, it's me! And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to visit you...I have the budget to think about.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday nights
Typically, I have plans each Friday night at 8pm. It's a standing appointment (yet one more thing for another post). I've been trying to get out of going to this appointment EVERY Friday. I'd like to have a life that doesn't include going to this thing. I have yet to get that so called life so I continue to go.
Tonight, I was fully intent on not going at all. I had plans at 6 and I had every intention of missing the 8pm thing. But my friend C decided to bully me into going to the 8pm. So I dragged her to my 6pm Car Club meeting. Where it was me and C...the others didn't show. Dicks...
But I got to hold court with C. She's a great audience. She'll laugh at all the right places and doesn't argue. But lately she has been giving me shit back. It's becoming a bit more even sided...I'm going to have to stay on top of this because I think she might actually out sarcasm me...she's tricky like that.
So I was already in a good mood when we showed to the 8pm and sure as shit...I had a good time at the 8pm. My girls T and A were there and it was like some big slumber party. Giggling, and snorting (T!!!). A lot of the giggling was at inappropriate times; which just makes it more fun.
Just when I start feeling sorry for myself...I get to be with people that WANT to be around me. That's humbling for me because there weren't a lot of people that wanted to be around me 3 years ago. That speaks a lot to me about how much I've changed and how much I have to lose if I were to get lazy. Sometimes I have to be reminded about that.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
So here's the story about dating - Part 1
So dating…I have a lot of practice with this but not a lot of experience. I have gone on 3 dates with one guy but only first dates with others. I take that back, I went on a 2nd date with a guy but it was about 2 months between the 1st and the 2nd one so I don’t know that that counts. I haven’t really dated for about 3 years. That’s the amount of time between my divorce and now. I spent the first couple of months trying to find ANYONE to give me some kind of acceptance. Please….just throw me a bone, wouldja? I signed up for every dating service. I went to bars on a regular basis (which is a whole different story). I couldn't work hard enough to get attention. Surprisingly, I got nothing…which is good because I had this terrible fear that these men were going to get to know me and realize what a loser I really was. So it took constant vigilance on my part to keep these men at an arm’s length away. Something of a talent, I think.
So you might ask, “Why am I dating”? Because I’m ready. I truly do believe that I am in a place where I am ready to meet that one person that is going to be my partner in crime. I really do believe that. And I have spent the last 3 years getting to this point. The one guy that we did a first date and then 2 months later did a 2nd date? I stopped talking to him because I really wasn’t attracted to him and after 2 months I thought that that was superficial of me so I contacted him again. He was funny and smart and really nice. But physically, it wasn’t there. But I thought I’d try again. We got together for dinner and we then sat around my apartment, we were going to watch a movie. Well, that’s when Chuckles seemed to think it was at that point that he should go in for a kiss. I have to admit that, at this point in my life, I was not ready for anything intimate. But I hadn’t told him this nor had I really put a lot of thought around it. See, I thought I was ready. But when he leaned in for the kiss…..I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Literally…I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Where I promptly tried to act like nothing had happened and we were just talking with a wall between us. I know that I botched the date up at that point and that was the last guy I went on a date with for the next year. I just knew that it wasn’t time for that.
Fast forward to today and I suddenly feel ready to sow my wild oats. But first…I had some unfinished business. I was still hanging onto the ex. We were “friends”. We hung out, watched movies, and went on bike rides, dinner, etc…it was like we were dating but not married anymore. Free to come and go as we choose but no commitment. This has been going on for the 3 years I’ve been divorced. I know that I held out hope that we would get back together. I did everything in my power to give him what he wanted, hoping that he would want me back. But I had already done the damage. Although I changed, his opinion of me didn’t change as much as I had. So I never really had a chance.
May 5, 2007 is the day I became damaged goods. And it took me exactly 3 years to move past that. In the past, I had actually said to people that I think I would die if I were to cut the ex out of my life. Like I would literally die if I stopped talking to him. At the time, I didn’t even see how crazy that was. Those in my life were so patient with me…I’m sure they were all so tired of hearing me go on and on about how I was never going to get over him. I was never going to be loved like that again. That I don’t deserve to have a 2nd chance with him….on and on and on….towards the end even I was tired of me saying it. But I felt powerless (not the first time or situation where I feel powerless) to stop the actions that I was doing with my ex. I felt that I had to follow this to the end. So it ended…my way (small amount of satisfaction on my part) on May 17, 2010. That is over 3 years (by like 12 days but who’s counting?) from when he asked for the divorce. I was suspended in this world in my head where I lived around and for my ex. I was trying so hard to move on and show him how I was going to be better off without him; that I never really moved on. I was stagnant…I felt like I had missed out on so many things. But in reality…it took me the exact amount of time that I needed to get through that. Towards the end, I actually had remind myself to act as though he was the only option I had. I had gotten so tired of the way things were between us but I still felt like I had to follow it to the end. I was supposed to go through all of that in order to move on.
The past 3 years have been HUGE in my life. And I say that because I have a life now that I never had before the divorce or even before the marriage. I say I became damaged goods after the divorce but in reality I was damaged from very early on. Not to use as an excuse, but rather to set the stage. I was broken and never really whole until lately. And that is only because I have worked my ass off to get to this place. I’ve done the cliché “finding myself” and I, at first, did not like what I found. I did not like the person I was before I got married, while I was married and after I was first divorced. My character defects are a mile long but they were glaringly bad before the divorce. And now, I see where my part was in the marriage failing. And it’s a pretty large part. But these character defects are things I DO have control over. These are the things that I don’t like and I don’t have to be like that. That is a big deal. I was one of those black & white people. Either it was or it wasn’t. No grey area. I had no color in my life. I was constantly in the dark. And I had to work really hard to come away from that dark area.
So…why the post? Because I’ve come to the realization that I have no control over this situation and that I never did. I know that God had his arms wrapped around me good and tight for these last 3 years. I’ve gone through a lot of things and I’ve come out on the other side. Maybe not perfect, but intact, sane, happier then I have ever been and smelling pretty good. To me, that means God has something more in mind for me. I just have to be patient. So…the saying “Just when you give up looking, that’s when you’ll find the one”…I’m trying to find a way to trick my brain into that mode. Because I’m willing…and I’m really good at stop thinking about something. It’s the staying stopped. That sums up a lot of my issues….stay stopped!
Next installment? Dating services stories and how I’m trying to narrow my requirements down to a few simple sentences. Which, from this post, is obvious I will have trouble doing.
So you might ask, “Why am I dating”? Because I’m ready. I truly do believe that I am in a place where I am ready to meet that one person that is going to be my partner in crime. I really do believe that. And I have spent the last 3 years getting to this point. The one guy that we did a first date and then 2 months later did a 2nd date? I stopped talking to him because I really wasn’t attracted to him and after 2 months I thought that that was superficial of me so I contacted him again. He was funny and smart and really nice. But physically, it wasn’t there. But I thought I’d try again. We got together for dinner and we then sat around my apartment, we were going to watch a movie. Well, that’s when Chuckles seemed to think it was at that point that he should go in for a kiss. I have to admit that, at this point in my life, I was not ready for anything intimate. But I hadn’t told him this nor had I really put a lot of thought around it. See, I thought I was ready. But when he leaned in for the kiss…..I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Literally…I panicked and I ran to the kitchen. Where I promptly tried to act like nothing had happened and we were just talking with a wall between us. I know that I botched the date up at that point and that was the last guy I went on a date with for the next year. I just knew that it wasn’t time for that.
Fast forward to today and I suddenly feel ready to sow my wild oats. But first…I had some unfinished business. I was still hanging onto the ex. We were “friends”. We hung out, watched movies, and went on bike rides, dinner, etc…it was like we were dating but not married anymore. Free to come and go as we choose but no commitment. This has been going on for the 3 years I’ve been divorced. I know that I held out hope that we would get back together. I did everything in my power to give him what he wanted, hoping that he would want me back. But I had already done the damage. Although I changed, his opinion of me didn’t change as much as I had. So I never really had a chance.
May 5, 2007 is the day I became damaged goods. And it took me exactly 3 years to move past that. In the past, I had actually said to people that I think I would die if I were to cut the ex out of my life. Like I would literally die if I stopped talking to him. At the time, I didn’t even see how crazy that was. Those in my life were so patient with me…I’m sure they were all so tired of hearing me go on and on about how I was never going to get over him. I was never going to be loved like that again. That I don’t deserve to have a 2nd chance with him….on and on and on….towards the end even I was tired of me saying it. But I felt powerless (not the first time or situation where I feel powerless) to stop the actions that I was doing with my ex. I felt that I had to follow this to the end. So it ended…my way (small amount of satisfaction on my part) on May 17, 2010. That is over 3 years (by like 12 days but who’s counting?) from when he asked for the divorce. I was suspended in this world in my head where I lived around and for my ex. I was trying so hard to move on and show him how I was going to be better off without him; that I never really moved on. I was stagnant…I felt like I had missed out on so many things. But in reality…it took me the exact amount of time that I needed to get through that. Towards the end, I actually had remind myself to act as though he was the only option I had. I had gotten so tired of the way things were between us but I still felt like I had to follow it to the end. I was supposed to go through all of that in order to move on.
The past 3 years have been HUGE in my life. And I say that because I have a life now that I never had before the divorce or even before the marriage. I say I became damaged goods after the divorce but in reality I was damaged from very early on. Not to use as an excuse, but rather to set the stage. I was broken and never really whole until lately. And that is only because I have worked my ass off to get to this place. I’ve done the cliché “finding myself” and I, at first, did not like what I found. I did not like the person I was before I got married, while I was married and after I was first divorced. My character defects are a mile long but they were glaringly bad before the divorce. And now, I see where my part was in the marriage failing. And it’s a pretty large part. But these character defects are things I DO have control over. These are the things that I don’t like and I don’t have to be like that. That is a big deal. I was one of those black & white people. Either it was or it wasn’t. No grey area. I had no color in my life. I was constantly in the dark. And I had to work really hard to come away from that dark area.
So…why the post? Because I’ve come to the realization that I have no control over this situation and that I never did. I know that God had his arms wrapped around me good and tight for these last 3 years. I’ve gone through a lot of things and I’ve come out on the other side. Maybe not perfect, but intact, sane, happier then I have ever been and smelling pretty good. To me, that means God has something more in mind for me. I just have to be patient. So…the saying “Just when you give up looking, that’s when you’ll find the one”…I’m trying to find a way to trick my brain into that mode. Because I’m willing…and I’m really good at stop thinking about something. It’s the staying stopped. That sums up a lot of my issues….stay stopped!
Next installment? Dating services stories and how I’m trying to narrow my requirements down to a few simple sentences. Which, from this post, is obvious I will have trouble doing.
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