Since I quit my job and moved to a different city, my health has actually taken on a whole new outlook. True, I'm off my meds and that scares me. I shouldn't say off my meds. I take them every couple of days instead of every day. Mostly because I only have a 3 month supply and if I get a job, it'll be 3 months before I would get insurance. IF they give me insurance. AND this is IF I find one very very soon. So, I've been self medicating and only taking my pills every few days.
On the upside - I really don't feel like I'm in danger of crashing and burning. I truly do think that I'm in a good state mentally. With that said, I'm not a good judge of that. So I'm depending on others to keep me honest.
Health-wise now... I'm feeling like a real person for a change. I don't have bathroom issues like I used to. And let me clarify that...I don't sit on a toilet for hours out of my day; every day. I still get headaches but nowhere near the frequency I used to and now, I can sleep them off with no guilt that I'm missing work.
But one thing I have noticed that I don't like is the sleeping. When I was on regular pills for the bipolar, I slept. Sometimes for 10+ hours a day. And never felt refreshed in the morning so I would have to take a stimulant to get going. Now, I have the exact opposite issue. I'm sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night and never in a row. I can get about 45 minutes to an hour down but then I'm awake and rolling around in bed for another hour to 90 minutes. But I wake up refreshed; with only taking a nap in the afternoon very infrequently.
Then there are the bad nights. Nights where I don't sleep AT ALL. I used to do this every so often while on my meds. But the next day would be hell. I couldn't control my body temperature, my nose ran all the time and I constantly felt like I was going to fall out of my skin at any given moment. I did not like missing sleep while on my pills.
Off the pills, I will probably go a night or two a week with no sleep and not really have any side effects the next day. On a rare occasion (like tonight), I won't be able to get to sleep the next night either. And I'll have to resort to taking something for sleep the 3rd night to just get to sleep. Those are the times I hate because I feel so drugged the next day. Tonight, I've been up for over 38 hours and I don't think I'm going to be able to get to sleep tonight naturally. I've tried meditating but then laid in bed for 45 minutes before giving up and getting on here. I'm sipping herbal "Night Night" tea as I type.
While my body probably shouldn't be without sleep this long, I have to say that I am getting shit done. I've lived here almost 2 months now and I finally got all unpacked last night. I've been settled since the first couple of weeks but I still had a lot of boxes hanging around and I just didn't feel like getting into them. Last night, I busted them out and then some. Here is why I don't mind not sleeping every so often:
Last night I did the following:
1. Unpacked 4 boxes and put everything away.
2. Went through entire closet and took out all clothes that no longer fit or I don't want them anymore.
3. I hung up all my laundry that I did about a week and a half ago.
4. Put together laundry to be done the next day
5. Organized my paperwork for my new business
6. Did a load of dishes in the sink and in the machine
7. Scrubbed the tub and toilet
8. Took a long shower and shaved
9. Watched 3 movies
10. Laid out all the pictures I wanted on the wall and prepared to do them during the day
11. Put together a list of To Do for the next day
12. Painted my toes
You get the picture. I was busy and I felt great. I actually really hoped that I would work myself so hard last night and today that I would actually have to drag my butt to bed tonight and barely make it there. Now, I don't know that I have ever done that but it sure sounds nice. And its amazing what you can get done if you use the entire 24 hours in a day. I actually had some down time and didn't want to waste it watching TV so I picked up one of the 14 books I have checked out from the library and read for an hour or two.
During the day, today, I did a huge To Do list of 14 things and then some. I started to droop around 9:30pm and crawled into bed. Only to lay there until almost 11pm before giving up and getting up. I'm exhausted but just not sleepy. The weird thing is that I actually feel fine right now. I feel like I could go get a lot of other things done and still be OK the next day but I really just don't want to do that. I want to sleep.
And I guess it boils down to the fact that I feel cheated. I would give my left nut to be able to just drift off to sleep fairly soon after laying down and sleep a nice restful sleep throughout the entire night. Instead, I sleep the sleep of the dead for those 45 minutes every 90 minutes or so and wake up cramped and feeling like all the joints in my body are under a low throbbing magnet and it always feels like I can't find that right spot to lay in. I spend most of my day massaging my neck, shoulders and elbows because I can't sit still; they feel restless and discontent (sound familiar?).
My fear is that there is something wrong and I need to go to the doctor. But, since no job and then no insurance, I'm left with nothing I can do other then down large amounts of Alleve/Advil, lay on the couch with a heating pad on one of those areas for hours on end and buying those sticky heat pads so I can walk around and leave the house.
So, I'm going to sign off with the hopes that at this exact time (12:22am CST) I will be able to go lie down and go to sleep. I've been up since 9am Tuesday morning. I've drunk a large cup of some crappy herbal tea that touts it's to help you sleep. I'll eat my words tomorrow if it works; and then go buy it in bulk.
Night Night
